Ladies and Gentlemen -

Until I leave in another couple of months I will be providing your picks and pronostications on the weekend.

Next weekend, in preparation for the opening kickoff to our beloved College Football 2008 Season, I will provide you the “College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza” with Conference and Championship Picks and pronostications. No need to thank me, your adulation embarrasses me.

This weekend we have reports from a variety of teams and conferences and a sample of the oddest collection of emails I have ever received. So let’s get to it.

FLORIDA STATE: As reported early in the week, Coach Bobby Bowden was said to have found the restroom “All By Himself”. Unfortunately Coach Bobby relieved himself in the sink and was reported to have been screaming at the hand drier “Hey Everybody! It’s a Jet Engine!” It’s sad really.

OKLAHOMA: This week Coach Bob Stoops dismissed one of the most highly touted freshman wide receivers in the country before he ever arrived in Norman.

Josh Jarboe of Decatur Georgia was sent “packing” after he posted an obscenity laced rap video on YouTube that referenced shooting people and then proceeded to follow up that stroke of genius by being arrested on the Campus of his High School for carrying a gun.

No word yet on when Bobby Bowden or Phil Fulmer will offer him a scholarship.

EDITORS NOTE: You are thinking it, so I will say it. That kid is a dumbass.

MICHIGAN: Last week Coach Rod’s wife shows up at a Wolverine Alumni gathering dressed like a ten dollar hooker and Vh1 announced that “Rock of Love III with Bret Michaels is currently being cast.”

Coincidence? I think not.

TENNESSEE: During the Southeastern Conference media days Coach Phil Fulmer was served with a subpoena to give a deposition in the case against disassociated boosters relating to the NCAA investigation of the University of Alabama.

Why is this important? For starters; Fat Phil and his “personal” attorney Jeff Hagood stated in 2003 that Phil Fumer would give a deposition in the case “as soon as the Coach’s schedule allowed.” Coach Phil then proceded to skip the 2004 Southeastern Conference Media days to avoid being served in the case and attempted to pass the $10,000 dollar fine for skipping the conference off to the University.

To make matters even more comical, if that’s possible, Coach Phil tried to claim that he wasn’t “served” at the recent conference media days, that he was “only signing an autograph.”

What are you? Stupid or just illiterate?

EDITORS NOTE: Much like you, I would believe that Coach Phil was “really” that busy for the last five years if Knoxville had a 24 hour Krispy Kreme, but they don’t.

WEST VIRGINIA: At the recent Big East Conference Media days Mountaineer Quarterback Pat White decided that he didn’t want to talk about West Virginia’s chances to win the Conference Championship or discuss the latest Bowl win in 2007. Instead, Pat White thought this would be a good time to claim the West Virginia Mountaineer BASEBALL team was racist because (In his opinion) they didn’t have enough black baseball players on the team.

Wait, aren’t you the quarterback of the Football team?
I have a novel idea; at the Big East Football Media Days why don’t you talk about FOOTBALL?

EDITORS NOTE: If anyone out there REALLY believes that a coach of a Major University Sports program wouldn’t want the best athletes on the field to win regardless of their color, religion or shoe size, then let me be the first to tell you. Congratulations; You are a dumbass.

LSU: Recently at a Fightn’ Tiger Alumni function Coach Miles made some unflattering remarks and jokes about the University of Alabama. Why Coach? Is the National Championship not enough for you?

Let me be the first to remind you Coach that you WON with Coach Sabans recruits, not yours.

You will not remain at the top of the ladder forever, after all this is the Southeastern Conference.

And lastly as Coach Bryant used to say; “Win without bragging and lose without excuse.”

GEORGIA: If the Dawgs have anymore arrests they won’t be able to field a two man row boat team.
Stop acting like Florida State and Tennessee, you all are Georgia for God’s Sake.

PENN STATE: Some Idiot Alumni of Penn State is banging the drum that “Jo Pa has lost control of the Nittany Lion football team” and should be fired.

Are you serious? Compared to what team, Yale? They don’t even have a marching band.

Jo Pa is a GIANT of the Game. Period. He should be allowed to retire when he damn well wants too.

Enough said.

EDITORS NOTE: It’s comments like this that confirms my dislike for yankees.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: So whatever happened to the NCAA and PAC 10 Investigation into the Trojans and Reggie Bush?

Go ahead ESPN, ignore it if you want and talk about how the “Mexican-American community have embraced Mark Sanchez as a Hero” and any number of other stupid articles about U$C.

We are still waiting.

Email Questions and Answers

Q: Hello! Welcome to Candyland! (I sometimes like starting my emails out like that!)
I am new to your column and have a question for you that I hope you can help me with.
I have a pet chinchilla named Skippy that I LOVE! I want to dress him up for college football games, but can’t find any place that has uniforms or college game day clothes to fit him, can you help?
Thanks?
Stuart - Irvine, California
A: You are a Southern California Trojan fan, aren’t you Stu?

Q: Mike we are expecting a BIG year for the Florida State Seminoles!
I have a question that I am sure you can help me out with!
Does Coach Bobby wear anything “lucky” to give him that extra confidence during a game?
Chuck - Fort Meyers, Florida
A: Depends

Q: Mike, I come from a family of hardworking oil drillers. My grandfather, Dad and four brothers are all oil drillers. The decision to follow my dream of becoming a puppeteer and a background dancer for children’s shows has resulted in me being ostracized by 92% of my family.
Let’s just say that I hear such phrases as “Worked on any new Fairy Dances lately Tim?” and “Hey Tim, why don’t you give us a private show with your lamb puppet?”

If this weren’t bad enough, I have to decided to come “out of the closet” and tell my family the news.

I am a Georgia Tech Yellow Jacket Fan.

Do you have any advice that could help me?
Tim - Lagrange, Georgia
A: You are on your own Tiny Dancer.

Q: Greetings! While watching a rerun of “Charles in Charge” starring Scott Baio an idea popped into my head! I don’t get out of the house much but love to experiment and mix chemicals in my basement. Using a combination on melted deodorant, cheap cologne and some old hair gel, I wish to create a new cologne for me entitled BAIO! I believe those elements would re-create the vibrant smell of the real life Chachi!

So my question is this, if I were to create a unique cologne for the Greatest Coach in Tennessee History what would I need? I am going to call it PHAT Phil (You know as in “Pretty Hot and Tempting”)
What do you think?
Dale - Dunlap, Tennessee
A: I would go with the above ingredients and add a Krispy Kreme Bear Claw and Jelly donut, a scoop or two of Lard and a cup of Bull Crap and consider re-naming the cologne BFL; you know, as in Big Fat Liar.

Lastly Dale, Just say “No to Drugs.”

Only 27 Days until Kickoff…..

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

It would appear from the number of emails I received after my last post that I hit a nerve with some football fans of “anything” California. It is also apparent that I have offended a large number of northern football fans living near the artic circle. I am assuming they read my post when they weren’t chewing whale blubber.

Before we go any further let me take a moment to bring a silver lining to this discussion and clear up any misunderstanding.

For the folks who reside near the artic circle that were offended by my last post; look on the bright side.
You may not be very good in the world of college football, but you still have the winter Olympics!
Curling! YES!

To my “Highly Offended” football fans from California let me simplify this argument for you.

We are different.

You think you have all the answers.

We Know you don’t.

When one of our players is accused of accepting money from a Booster or one of our universities undergoes an NCAA inquisition you say we have a “Plantation Mentality.”

When one of your players has been paid by a Booster or your university undergoes an NCAA investigation you say “the system is flawed.”

Certainly there are other differences as well.

We know the “Real” Death Valley isn’t in the desert…

To us the Third Saturday in October means something special….

We know that Ninety Thousand people will fit into a Swamp…

We know that Bo still Knows….

We Know that Hershal is a stallion and Earl is a Longhorn..

We Invented tailgating….
EDITORS NOTE: Not to be confused with the same term and or activity used in and around the San Francisco bay area.

Most of OUR mascots can and will hurt you if given the chance…

I hope this helped.

Before I forget, Hootie Snitch will return next week as he is still trying to sober up from his trip to the South Carolina Cooter Festival. Before you even ask, yes I am serious.
http://www.cooterfest.com/

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

GEORGIA STATE: I will try and write this particular piece again without breaking into fits of uncontrollable laughter.

Georgia State has started a football program and named Bill Curry as their Head Coach.

Yes, That Bill Curry

There is Good news and Bad news here folks.

The Bad News is that Georgia State hired Bill Curry as their Head Coach.
The Good News is the rest of us won’t have to listen to his winy “know it all” ass cry on television anymore about how the Alabama fans never embraced him at the Capstone.

OPERATION MORALE: Recently a number of college football coaches traveled across Southwest Asia on “Operation Morale” to visit with our tropps and to thank them for their sacrifice and service. Notable Coaches on the tour included Notre Dame Coach Charlie Weis, Mark Richt of Georgia, Miami Hurricane Coach randy Sahnnon and Tommy Tubberville of Auburn.

Thank you to all the coaches; those boys and girls really appreciated it.

EDITORS NOTE: Despite the fact a number of reported terrorist seemed to “disappear” in Baghdad, there is no truth to the rumor that Charlie Weis ingested any Al-Qaeda operatives while he was in Iraq.

Also the rumors circulating that Tommy Tubberville’s ears were used to listen to conversations in the distant caves of Afghanistan are completely false. Everyone knows his ears only have an estimated sensitive hearing radius (ESHR) of five hundred miles.

GEORGIA: It’s a sad day between the hedges.

John Rauch, the former Bulldog quarterback and Oakland Raider Head Coach in Super Bowl II died at his home in Oldsmar Florida. he was 80 years old.

Rauch became a four year starter for the Bulldogs from 1945 to 1948 and he was the first player in college football history to start in four consecutive bowl games. Het set the NCAA record with 4,044 career passing yards while leading the Georgia Bulldogs to a 36-8-1 record and two consecutive Southeastern Conference Championships.

VIRGINIA TECH: The Hokie’s prized recruit who led Amherst High School to consecutive Group AA State Championships and was voted the Associated Press Virginia Player of the Year is facing felony drug charges.

Peter Rose, the first team quarterback and AP Group AA Player of the Year in 2007, was charged with two counts of distribution of drugs within 1,000 feet of a school.

Florida State Coach Bobby Bowden was reported to have said concerning the arrest: ” If he would have signed with us we would have provided him with bail money and a decent attorney.”

TENNESSEE: This past week, University of Tennessee President John Petersen announced that a number of academic programs will be eliminated in order to cover the reported 11 million dollar shortfall in the university budget.

One program that will be eliminated is the minor in dance curriculum.
No word yet on how this will effect the academic standing of the football team.

EDITORS NOTE: Thank God they STILL have the Walking classes for the football players or none of them would be eligible.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Believe it or not, the investigation into the Trojans and Reggie Bush is still “ongoing.” Ole Reggie’s attorneys are working overtime to prevent the lawsuit from his “former” sports agent Lloyd Lake from being conducted in a public forum.
Currently the lawsuit has been delayed as Reggie’s attorneys have reserved an 11 July court date to argue a motion to compel arbitration and want the case stayed until that motion is heard.
If the case is stayed and moved out of court, it would cut off potential court-related evidence available to the NCAA, which as we all know is “investigating” whether Bush and his family recevied impermissible benefits from Lake and his former business partner Michael Michaels.

Bush and the Trojans don’t act like they are innocent, do they?

EDITORS NOTE: Whatever happened to the NCAA finding a team or individual guilty on circumstantial evidence?

NCAA: Hey Matlock, have you found Reggie Bush’s parents house yet?

Only 70 days until Kickoff…….

RTR
MEB