Hey Yawl, it’s me again James “Hootie” Snitch, and as you all should no by now unless you’ve been a living under a damn rock, I am the Number Damn One Tennessee Vol Fan on the Freaking Planet! GO VOLS! What’s his name let’s me right in here once a week, so thing will be fair and balanced.

Before we get into this weeks emails, I guess yawl want me to tell you why I tried to do that laser eye surgery on my cousin Ronnie with one of them laser pointers.

Well, if you ain’t never seen my cousin Ronnie, let me tell you, that boy has got a head like a catfish. His eyes are on the side of his head and they just kind of move around all by themselves, if you know what I mean. Hell, he even has two little whiskers that hang from his lip like a catfish.

So, I figured why not get me one of them laser pointers and hook ole Ronnie up. Couldn’t hurt his looks none.

Anyway, it didn’t work out so well, as you all have heard by now.
But at least it didn’t start no fire like the time we tried to cure momma’s cataracts by sticking her head in the microwave.

I know you wanting some answers to your questions so let’s get to my mail or as I like to call this part “Keep’n it Real with Hootie Snitch” (Thought that up myself, catchy ain’t it?)

Q: Hootie, did you do anything special to celebrate Cinco de Mayo? Just wondering!
Maria - El Paso, Texas
A: What kind of question is that? Why would I celebrate something that means “Pass the Mayo”? Besides we are gettin all geared up for the Big Celebration; Johnny Majors Birthday is the 21st of May!

Q: Sorry to hear about your “accident” Hootie. Did you do anything “interesting” during your recuperation?
Stan - Athens, Georgia
A: Thanks, yeah I took myself a trip, but boy was I ever disappointed.
I heard about this thing in Arkansas called the “Toad Suck” festival, so I headed off down there last weekend, thinking; get myself a t-shirt, suck on a toad or two to catch a buzz, then weave my way back to Casa Da Hootie in Baneberry Tennessee. Wrong.

They didn’t have no Toad Sucking or nothing; it’s a family thing, which kind of ruled out what I had planned. I ain’t kidding neither, see for yourself, their site is right here.
http://www.toadsuck.org/

Q: I have a question for you that I hope you can answer. Tennessee Quarterback Jonathan Crompton recently completed spring training but required extensive elbow surgery following the Orange and White Game. Will he be ready in time to start the season?
Stephen - Cookeville, Tennessee
A: You come to the right place; Nobody knows more about the Vols than Me! I have on good authority that the surgery you was talking about didn’t have nothing to do with his elbow.
I will let you all in on a little secret, you ready? Coach Phil had Jonathan’s throwing arm extended another 12 inches or so and they put an extra thumb on his hand too!
I hear that boy will be able to throw the football a damn MILE!

Q: Dear Sir, some of my classmates and I are planning to make the “road trip” from Northern Illinois University next year on October 4th to watch the Huskies play the Volunteers of Tennessee.
We want to do some cool things while we are in Knoxville and have looked up a number of things online and are wondering if you could answer a question for us.
What happens at a “Tennessee Ho Down”?
Jake - DeKalb, Illinois
A: Some smartass calls 911, the police show up and some innocent man goes to jail.

Q: This question is for Hootie. Will you please explain for me and the other readers how you are related to Coach Phil Fulmer at the University of Tennessee? Thanks.
Gary - Nashville, Tennessee
A: Be glad to Gary. My Daddy’s last name is Snitch, as you probably figured out on your own. My Momma’s last name before she married my daddy was Ratt; like the GREATEST Rock Band that ever lived! Ratt Rocks! So anyway, everybody says that Coach Fulmer is a “Snitch and a Ratt”, at least thats what we heard. So, we is proud that he is our kin, cause every Snitch and Ratt I know are Tennessee Vol fans, thru and thru! Hell Yeah!

Q: You sir sound like an illiterate Neanderthal with your insistant ramblings. I don’t know how you got past the third grade?
Brenda - Gainesville, Florida
A: You damn Gator fans don’t know nothing! You are way off on both counts! For your information I am a Baptist and I got myself a degree in educashon from the University of Tennessee.

Some of yawl have asked who I am supporting in the big political race this year.
I believe the choice is simple.
I am throwing all my support behind the only person qualified for the job.
There is only one choice for Sheriff of Knox County for me!

Hootie - Out!

Ladies and Gentlemen -

It’s time for our last installment of the College Football Spring Game Tour.

I know, I am kind of sad about it too, but we only have 112 days until Kick-off…and we will continue to bring you the latest breaking news from the practice fields and coach’s clinics right up until the start of the 2008 season.

Before we roll into the final leg of our College Football Spring Tour let’s discuss some College Football news from San Diego, Baton Rouge and the upcoming 2008 Bowl Season.

It seems the judge in the civil suit against Reggie Bush by his one time sports agent and benefactor Lloyd Lake will be open to the public and not held behind closed doors as Reggie and his lawyers requested.

My favorite statement in the article by the San Diego writer: “Reggie Bush has not cooperated with the NCAA Investigation.” NOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooo Really?

Whatever happened to the NCAA branding someone a “Hostile Witness” for failing to cooperate and finding the individual and university guilty on all counts because of their “failure” to cooperate?
See for yourself:
http://www.signonsandiego.com/sports/nfl/20080503-9999-1s3bush.html

Great News College Bowl Lovers! Two “New” Bowl games have been added to the schedule for 2008!

We have the St. Petersburg Bowl, that’s in Florida, not Russia and the other new Bowl game is in Washington D.C. Which I presume is going to be called the “Bulletproof Vest and Ballistic Shield Bowl”, because that’s what you are going to need if you travel to downtown D.C. at night.

LSU: (UPDATE) Let’s not mince words here or use some cute sports metaphor to describe the recent dismissal by Coach Les Miles.

Tiger quarterback Ryan Perrilloux has been dismissed from the LSU Tiger football team for being a self-serving, “It’s all about me” jackass, that clearly can’t take any direction from his coaches.
I hope that cleared it up for everybody.

AUBURN: Tommy’s Tigers will once again field what could possibly be the class of the SEC West with new offensive and defensive coordinators and an outstanding crop of young players reporting to the plains.
Also, from the “Little Known Fact” Department, Coach Tommy Tuberville’s ears are so big that he can actually hear your thoughts.

MIAMI (FLA): The Hurricanes just don’t seem like the Miami of old without all the felony arrests, you know kind of like the Tennessee and Florida State of today. But they are none the less building a team that will contend for the Atlantic Coast Conference Title, in a couple of years.

WASHINGTON: The Huskies will be much better than they were a year ago, but they are still a long way from the Glory Years of yesterday. And as a side note; I have nothing against the current coaching staff or athletic administration, but I still miss Coach James.

BEST QUOTE OF YESTERDAY: Coach Woody Hayes, The Ohio State University
” There is nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.”

ILLINOIS:Coach Zook and The Fighting Pumpkins will make a serious run at the Big Ten, I mean Eleven Title this year, but will come up short to the mighty Buckeyes of Ohio State. Believe it.

ARKANSAS: Coach Bobby Petrino will have to wait another year before prized transfer Ryan Mallet from Michigan will be able to suit up for the Razorbacks, as the NCAA ruled the young man ineligible for the 2008 football season.

A visibly disappointed Coach Petrino told the local Fayetteville media that the quarterback position will now be determined through an intense round of “Rock-Paper-Scissors.”

EDITORS NOTE: The funny thing is Coach Petrino actually thought the NCAA was going to be “fair” concerning this situation. That’s almost as funny as when the NCAA uses the word “academics.”

TEXAS TECH: The Red Raiders (Get Those Guns UP!) are primed and ready for a breakout year and challenge everyone for the Big 12 title. This year they will throw more passes than Bill Clinton at a Church picnic.
Count on it.

KENTUCKY: Trying to replace Andre Woodson at quarterback will be harder than trying to find a Wildcat fan that actually cares about football season. Impossible? No. Difficult? Yes.

BOSTON COLLEGE: Seriously, Do you care? I didn’t think so, me either.

RUTGERS: (See above)

PITTSBURGH: (See Rutgers and Boston College)

WISCONSIN: The fact that the Badgers always have a competitive program capable of beating anybody on any given Saturday just goes to show you that cheese isn’t as bad for you as some scientist would have you believe.

MISSOURI: The Tigers return quarterback Chase Daniels and that should be good enough with the surrounding cast to get them to a top tier bowl game, but a ten or eleven win season?
Never.

CALIFORNIA: (Please see either Boston College, Rutgers or Pittsburgh)

NOTRE DAME: This season you can expect to see “All” of the Fighting Irish’s games on NBC, which of course stands for No Body Cares.

COACH’S QUOTE OF THE WEEK: Coach Sylvester Croom, Mississippi State University
“I have got a fever and the only prescription……is MORE Cowbell.”

MINNESOTA: I don’t have anything to report on the team this spring, but I did find out an interesting fact. The “Golden Gopher” mascot of Minnesota is “not” a groundhog as I had orginally thought.

In actuality, it is someone from your office or work place that is always willing to go get lunch for the staff and pay for it themselves.

I hope this cleared up any misunderstanding.

SOUTH CAROLINA: Can Coach Steve have a quarterback that doesn’t get arrested or suspended?
Come on, there just isn’t that much to do in Columbia!

Expect this kind of drain on the Ole Ball Coach to have him go into retirement within two seasons. Remember you heard it here first.

TEXAS A&M: Coach Mike Sherman better hit the ground running at Kyle Field. If he thinks the Green Bay fans were disagreeable after a loss, he hasn’t seen anything yet. Welcome to Aggieland.

Hootie Snitch will wrap up the week tomorrow with a round of emails.

Have a great weekend and if you are in need of a getaway there is no better place on the planet to escape than with my friends at the Stony Brook Chalets in Gatlinburg.

Check them out and tell them Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator sent you.
http://www.stonybrooklodging.com/

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering; “Yes”, that was a shameless plug.

RTR
MEB