Ladies and Gentlemen -

I have good news to report. 
Not only is “Dog The Bounty Hunter” back on the air, but we are only 19 days away from the opening kickoff of the 2008 College Football Season.
And you all know what that means…..it is time for your College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza.

I know that it may be difficult for many of you to concentrate on the upcoming College Football Season with the latest news of the week.
Much like you I was shocked by what I heard.
Please, do not worry.
Even though Russia was reported to have invaded Georgia, I can assure you all they will never make it past Valdosta.
Those Georgia Boys will whip their ass.

Enjoy Your Picks!

Pre-Season Observations and Pronostications

ESPN: The College Football Crew of ESPN College Gameday will continue to ignore the Reggie Bush- Southern California Trojan scandal because the network has too much money invested in showing PAC-10 Football games.

ESPN Part II: As a side note, how about showing the College Marching Bands at Halftime?
You can run the scores at the bottom of the screen because most of us can READ.
We (The College Football Fans) do not need three or four talking heads in the “studio” to tell us what we already know.

College Football Announcers and Commentators

Sometime during the 2008 College Football Season we will tune into “our” game and find one of the below individuals that suffers from chronic diarrea of the mouth “announcing” the game.
My suggestion?
Hit the mute button.

Lou Holtz: As I reported last year; The “One Time” Coach that has left every single university team in his career under NCAA Investigation is not a human being at all, but a 145 pound Tom Turkey.
Why do we need to hear him gobble and spit for an hour in the studio before kickoff? 
My point exactly.

Mark “Milk Dud Head” May: I am guessing his Resume says he is a “Master of the Obvious”. 
If my team is down by two touchdowns at half time, I REALLY don’t need to hear Milk Dud Head say, “They need to score more points if they expect to win this game.” 
Really? You figured that out all by yourself? Thanks Rain Man.

Bret Musburger: If you look up “Gibbering Jackass” in Websters Dictionary, it says; “See Bret Musburger.”

Vern Lundquist: Most of the time this syphilitic old Troll doesn’t even know which sport he is announcing. Here is a hint: Golf and Basketball metaphors don’t have ANY place in College Football.
Dumbass.

Dan Foust: You put the “Dumb” in “Ass”. Congratulations.

Bob Griese: See Above

Pam Ward: See “Dan Foust” Above

Archie Manning: Do you know how to tell when Archie is saying something stupid?
His lips are moving.

Whoa Nelly! Where is the Great Keith Jackson when you really need him?

SOUTHERN CAL: The Trojans will continue to be the Darlings of media, that is until they line up against the Mighty Buckeyes of Ohio State on 13 September. Then the excuses will begin….

MICHIGAN: The Wolverines will start out the year 1and 4 this year. Believe it.

EDITORS NOTE: Wolverine Fans, look at the bright side:
You have the only college football coach in the nation who’s wife dresses like a ten dollar hooker.

MISSISSIPPI STATE: Coach Croom proved he can Coach and Motivate; expect more of the same this year. To include another Bowl game.

I still think Auburn’s mascot “aubie” looks like that cat on a bag of Cheetos.

IOWA: Unfortunately the “Hawkeyes” passed on the sponsorship of a major fried chicken franchise and a mascot name change to “Popeyes” due to ongoing litigation by Olive Oil and Brutus.

INDIANA: Also in mascot news; the “Hoosiers” have passed on a wonderful sponsorship opportunity by a Nationally known “Wing” Restaurant and will not rename their team the “Hooters”.

EDITORS NOTE: The Hoosiers are however still negotiating with the FOX Network on a limited sponsorship with a popular television program and renaming their them the “Homers”.

I still think Terry Bowden looks like a shaved Groundhog.

NEBRASKA: Big Red isn’t all the way back, but Coach Bo will get them there sooner than you think.

TENNESSEE: It was reported last week in the Nashville Tennessean that the University of Tennessee leads the nation with the largest athletic recruiting budget spending more than 2 Million dollars a year in private and public air transportation, rental cars and lodging.

Two Million Dollars A Year? Really?

Over a Million More than Notre Dame, Texas and Ohio State? Wow…..

EDITORS NOTE: Just because the University of Tennessee is the ONLY College or University in the country with a convicted felon on their board of directors is no reason to think anything is wrong.
I mean, just because he was convicted in Federal Court for embezzlement is no reason to worry.
After all, he isn’t like the last university President that charged the university over $180, 000 dollars per home game for “entertainment”, right? How much money did he “misappropriate”? Ten Million Dollars?

You Volunteer fans enjoy that 26% tution hike this year. I am sure your money is being well spent.

COLLEGE REFEREES
Despite a valiant effort by the PAC 10 Officials last year in screwing a number of teams out of wins, they will have to bring their Coke Bottle Glasses and Seeing Eyed Dogs to beat the Master of Disaster when it comes missed calls and determining the outcome of games.
I am talking of course, of the Southeastern Conferences own Penn Wagers.
That guy could screw up a two car parade.

This year a team from the Eastern Middle Western Northern Southern Conference will claim they should get a shot at the Championship because they beat a Taxidermy School from North Carolina.

This year I will still wonder who is actually on the BCS Committee.
Currently, I believe the committee is comprized of a group of chimpanzees on crack that make their respective decisions with the use of a dart board.

This year the Ivy League will still suck.

West Point: See above

OLYMPICS: If I hear one more time that Wong Chang Woo enjoys watching reruns of “Friends” and playing “Clue” my head is going to explode.

CONTENDERS and PRETENDERS

PRETENDERS

IOWA: The Hawkeyes must have worked really hard to arrange a schedule were they didn’t have to play ANYBODY of note in their Conference this year. No Michigan or Ohio State, just dates with Wisconsin and Penn State to round out a schedule dominated by cream puffs.

TEXAS A&M: Coach Sherman doesn’t even know the names of his players, do you think he is ready for the Big 12? The answer my friends is, no he isn’t.

EDITORS NOTE: For reasons that I don’t need to go into here, I can’t in good conscience pull for any Coach Named “Sherman.”

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Shouldn’t you all be on NCAA Probation by now? Just wondering….

ARKANSAS: The Mighty Razorbacks are a young team with a new coach.
They are two or three years away from the Southeastern Conference Championship game.

FLORIDA STATE: Due to recent restrictions in the Florida Parole system, the Seminoles will be unable to field a championship caliber team. There, I said it.

EDITORS NOTE: The fact that Coach Bobby can’t dress himself or remember what year it is should have no impact on his play calling. Which is nice…

LOUISVILLE: No Defense, means No Conference Championship. Period.

NOTRE DAME: You might beat Navy this year, but you all are a long way away from winning anything that really matters. Might I suggest scheduling the School that Re-Treads Tires and the Vietnamese Nail Salon in Lake Charles. Wait, Florida State has already scheduled those schools, sorry.

MICHIGAN: The Wolverines are in for a long season….a really long season.

COLORADO: Despite the fact my sister-in-law doubles as “Ralphie” the Buffalo Mascot at most home games, the Mile High team will fall flat early this year. Believe it.

EDITORS NOTE: Please, no emails about “How mean I am to my sister-in-law” about her being the Colorado mascot. We are just thankful she is working….

CONTENDERS

TEXAS TECH: The Red Raiders will be the Team to beat in the Big 12.
Remember you heard it here first. Get Those Guns Up Red Raiders!

TEXAS: Never Count out the Longhorns and Colt McCoy.
If they get by the Red Raiders and survive the Red River Shoot out, they will have a shot at the Big Time.

OKLAHOMA: This year the Mighty Sooners WILL be in the Big 12 Championship game….Believe it.

MISSOURI: The Tigers have Chase Daniel and the right surrounding cast to win the Big 12, but will they make it to the “Big” Championship Game?

CLEMSON: Tommy’s Tigers are Loaded and have a favorable schedule to win the Atlantic Coast Conference Championship, but can they overcome a history of late season stumbles?

VIRGINIA TECH: NEVER count out Coach Beamer and the Mighty Hokies.

OHIO STATE: The Buckeyes should win the Big Eleven..I mean Ten Championship. But they have to get by the Badgers on October 4th to earn it.

WEST VIRGINIA: Will the couches light the Morgantown sky this year?
Talk to me after Auburn comes to town on October 23rd.

LSU: The Bayou Bengals are a legitimate contender for the Southeastern Conference Championship if and thats a BIG if, they get through the brutal Conference schedule.

GEORGIA: If the Dawgs get through their schedule without getting bruised up they should and will be Number One. Period.

AUBURN: These Tigers are poised to ruin everybodies parade in the Southeastern Conference.
They ARE Contenders. Believe it.

FLORIDA: The Mighty Gators are my pick to win the BCS Championship.
Why? You will have to read Part II Tomorrow of the Pre-Season Extravaganza to find out.
Your Favorite College Football Pronosticators Conference Championships and Email Questions and Answers will be included too. So look for Part II Sunday Afternoon.

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

It would appear from the number of emails I received after my last post that I hit a nerve with some football fans of “anything” California. It is also apparent that I have offended a large number of northern football fans living near the artic circle. I am assuming they read my post when they weren’t chewing whale blubber.

Before we go any further let me take a moment to bring a silver lining to this discussion and clear up any misunderstanding.

For the folks who reside near the artic circle that were offended by my last post; look on the bright side.
You may not be very good in the world of college football, but you still have the winter Olympics!
Curling! YES!

To my “Highly Offended” football fans from California let me simplify this argument for you.

We are different.

You think you have all the answers.

We Know you don’t.

When one of our players is accused of accepting money from a Booster or one of our universities undergoes an NCAA inquisition you say we have a “Plantation Mentality.”

When one of your players has been paid by a Booster or your university undergoes an NCAA investigation you say “the system is flawed.”

Certainly there are other differences as well.

We know the “Real” Death Valley isn’t in the desert…

To us the Third Saturday in October means something special….

We know that Ninety Thousand people will fit into a Swamp…

We know that Bo still Knows….

We Know that Hershal is a stallion and Earl is a Longhorn..

We Invented tailgating….
EDITORS NOTE: Not to be confused with the same term and or activity used in and around the San Francisco bay area.

Most of OUR mascots can and will hurt you if given the chance…

I hope this helped.

Before I forget, Hootie Snitch will return next week as he is still trying to sober up from his trip to the South Carolina Cooter Festival. Before you even ask, yes I am serious.
http://www.cooterfest.com/

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

GEORGIA STATE: I will try and write this particular piece again without breaking into fits of uncontrollable laughter.

Georgia State has started a football program and named Bill Curry as their Head Coach.

Yes, That Bill Curry

There is Good news and Bad news here folks.

The Bad News is that Georgia State hired Bill Curry as their Head Coach.
The Good News is the rest of us won’t have to listen to his winy “know it all” ass cry on television anymore about how the Alabama fans never embraced him at the Capstone.

OPERATION MORALE: Recently a number of college football coaches traveled across Southwest Asia on “Operation Morale” to visit with our tropps and to thank them for their sacrifice and service. Notable Coaches on the tour included Notre Dame Coach Charlie Weis, Mark Richt of Georgia, Miami Hurricane Coach randy Sahnnon and Tommy Tubberville of Auburn.

Thank you to all the coaches; those boys and girls really appreciated it.

EDITORS NOTE: Despite the fact a number of reported terrorist seemed to “disappear” in Baghdad, there is no truth to the rumor that Charlie Weis ingested any Al-Qaeda operatives while he was in Iraq.

Also the rumors circulating that Tommy Tubberville’s ears were used to listen to conversations in the distant caves of Afghanistan are completely false. Everyone knows his ears only have an estimated sensitive hearing radius (ESHR) of five hundred miles.

GEORGIA: It’s a sad day between the hedges.

John Rauch, the former Bulldog quarterback and Oakland Raider Head Coach in Super Bowl II died at his home in Oldsmar Florida. he was 80 years old.

Rauch became a four year starter for the Bulldogs from 1945 to 1948 and he was the first player in college football history to start in four consecutive bowl games. Het set the NCAA record with 4,044 career passing yards while leading the Georgia Bulldogs to a 36-8-1 record and two consecutive Southeastern Conference Championships.

VIRGINIA TECH: The Hokie’s prized recruit who led Amherst High School to consecutive Group AA State Championships and was voted the Associated Press Virginia Player of the Year is facing felony drug charges.

Peter Rose, the first team quarterback and AP Group AA Player of the Year in 2007, was charged with two counts of distribution of drugs within 1,000 feet of a school.

Florida State Coach Bobby Bowden was reported to have said concerning the arrest: ” If he would have signed with us we would have provided him with bail money and a decent attorney.”

TENNESSEE: This past week, University of Tennessee President John Petersen announced that a number of academic programs will be eliminated in order to cover the reported 11 million dollar shortfall in the university budget.

One program that will be eliminated is the minor in dance curriculum.
No word yet on how this will effect the academic standing of the football team.

EDITORS NOTE: Thank God they STILL have the Walking classes for the football players or none of them would be eligible.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Believe it or not, the investigation into the Trojans and Reggie Bush is still “ongoing.” Ole Reggie’s attorneys are working overtime to prevent the lawsuit from his “former” sports agent Lloyd Lake from being conducted in a public forum.
Currently the lawsuit has been delayed as Reggie’s attorneys have reserved an 11 July court date to argue a motion to compel arbitration and want the case stayed until that motion is heard.
If the case is stayed and moved out of court, it would cut off potential court-related evidence available to the NCAA, which as we all know is “investigating” whether Bush and his family recevied impermissible benefits from Lake and his former business partner Michael Michaels.

Bush and the Trojans don’t act like they are innocent, do they?

EDITORS NOTE: Whatever happened to the NCAA finding a team or individual guilty on circumstantial evidence?

NCAA: Hey Matlock, have you found Reggie Bush’s parents house yet?

Only 70 days until Kickoff…….

RTR
MEB