Ladies and Gentlemen -

I will be conducting the “Tuesday Q/A” this week, because Hootie Snitch is still recuperating from his failed attempt at performing laser eye surgery on his cousin Ronnie with a laser pointer.

For those of you that are concerned or are just joining us; This is all Hootie Snitch, the self professed “Greatest Tennessee Vol fan on the planet!”, would share concerning this particular incident.

While attempting to place Ronnie’s head in a bench vice to prevent him from “flinching” during the “surgery”, Ronnie inadvertently kicked Hootie square in the jimmy, thus rendering him incapable of carrying out the laser eye procedure on Ronnie.

Ronnie was attended by a local taxidermist that “sewed his ear back on” after Ronnie forced his head out of the vice losing his ear in the process and Hootie is resting comfortably at home icing his personal business.

Hootie also wanted me to share a “safety tip” with “all his fans”: “If you have to put somebody’s head in a bench vice, get them liquored up first.”
EDITORS NOTE: Wise words.

Any further medical discussions concerning this incident or other medical related questions will take place on my new website; “Turn your Head and Cough with Doctor Mike.”

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s get to this week’s Questions and Answers, Shall we?

Q: Mike the Husker Nation is really excited this year with Coach Bo at the helm! But I have to ask you, what will it take to win this year and get the Huskers back in the hunt for the Big 12 Championship?
Tommy - Lincoln, Nebraska
A: In the words of Coach Paul “Bear” Bryant: “The same things win that always won; we just have have a different bunch of excuses if we lose.” Enough said.

Q: Mike, my company recently relocated my family and I to Baton Rouge Louisiana from Illinois and I CANNOT believe the LSU Tiger fans here! My neighbors on the street were we live are STILL celebrating the National Championship! How much longer can I expect the “Party” to last?
Anthony - (Formerly of Clinton, Illinois) Baton Rouge, Louisiana
A: If I were you Anthony I would strap myself and my family in for the long haul. I know some Tiger fans that celebrated the 1958 LSU “Chinese Bandits” Championship right up until the 2001 Sugar Bowl.
Welcome to the Southeastern Conference.

Q: Dear Sir, my family and I drove through Tennessee and Kentucky recently to attend a college baseball game in Athens Georgia and I couldn’t help but notice that none of the drivers in those respective areas had their headlights on while they were driving. Not even in the dark!
Is there a reason for this?
James - Dayton, Ohio
A: Yes James there is a reason. The drivers in the respective areas you mentioned are afraid that having their headlights on will increase their electric bills.

Q: Mike, I heard that during the Tennessee Orange and White Game Coach Fulmer’s wife “went off” on some of the local sports writers for publishing negative articles on the Coach’s continuing lack of discipline with the Volunteer players. Is that true and who is “really” in charge of that family?
Steve - Spartanburg, South Carolina
A: I have not heard about that incident Steve, but I can assure you that Coach Fulmer wears the bra in that family.

Q: Listen Mister, Coach Rod’s wife is NOT a hooker!?
I don’t know what you are smoking but she is NOT a Hooker! Got it?
Anonymous -Ann Arbor, Michigan
A: Well, “anonymous” if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck……

Q: Mike, would you ever consider writing an article on another sport, say like the NBA?
Thanks!
Johnny -Madison, Wisconsin
A: Why in the Holy name of Vince Dooley would I write about something as stupid as the NBA?
A sport that lasts 12 and a half months out of the year and “everybody” makes the playoffs?
Let me sum this up for you Johnny, if the folks that run the NBA were in charge of WWII, we would still be fighting the Germans and the Japanese.

Q: Mike, I have a question for you. How many Duke students does it take to change a light bulb?
Paul - Lexington, Kentucky
A: At Duke it takes Eight.
One to screw it in and seven to discuss how much brighter it shines during basketball season.
EDITORS NOTE: I can do this all day.

Q: YOU a damn Lie! That damn picture of Coach Fulmer you put in that thing is wrong and you know it! We know for a fact that Coach Phil is the third largest mammal to walk upright! We know cause we seen it!
That guy from Kansas ain’t nothing but Coach Phil’s mini-me!
Sam and Delores - Peyton Manning Trailer Park, Dunlap, Tennessee
A: I knew that the OBknoxville Zoo named the “new” baby hippopotamus after Coach Fulmer (Which is now called the “Phat-Phil-Opotamus” in case anyone was wondering), But I had no idea that he is now large enough to have his own zip code.
My Mistake.

Thursday we finish up our final installment of the College Football Spring Tour and Friday your favorite Tennessee Vol Fan, Mr Hootie Snitch will wrap up the week.

Only 114 days until Kick-off…..

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

It’s time for our next to last installment of our College Football Spring Game Tour.
We have quite a few college football teams to examine along with the latest news from the practice fields, so let’s not waste any more time here.

Only 121 Days until Kick-off…..
Enjoy

LSU: The Reining National Champion Bayou Bengals may have lost some key players due to graduation and the NFL draft, but make no mistake. If Coach Miles can keep his star Quarterback in school and out of jail they will be contending once again for the Southeastern Conference title. Believe it.

TEXAS: New coordinators abound in Austin and quarterback Colt McCoy is healthy, need I say more?
The Longhorns are poised to take the Big 12 for the first time since Saint Vince brought home the National Championship.

OREGON: I don’t care and neither should you.

BEST PLAYER QUOTE OF THE WEEK: Florida State wide receiver Preston Parker and last years MVP for the Seminoles on his recent arrest on weapon and drug charges.
“At least like, I wasn’t tasered, like you know some players.”
EDITORS NOTE: At least you have that going for you.

VIRGINIA TECH: Enter the Sandman….The Hokies are loaded and if they can squeak by Clemson, they will have a shot at the Atlantic Coast Conference Championship.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Coach Carroll decided to make the Trojan spring game “Fun and Interactive” for the players and fans this year by having the players “Bring Your Sports Agent to the Game” which was sponsored by the Lexis Dealers of Southern California and the Reggie Bush Foundation.
SHHHHhhhhhhhhhh don’t tell the NCAA.

PENN STATE: After Jo Pa earned some “street credit” with his young players after a traffic altercation last year, he has dedicated himself to forming a tougher defense than previous seasons.
No word yet on when Jo Pa will release his Rap album.

UCLA: (See Oregon)

OHIO STATE: The Buckeyes were not suppose to even contend for the Big Ten, I mean Eleven title last year much less make a run at the National Championship. This year all the pieces of the elusive puzzle are in place with key players returning at almost every position and remember you heard it hear first……The Buckeyes will make a run at the title. Believe it.

GEORGIA: The Showdown with the Mighty Gators at the “Worlds Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party” may very well decide who will contend for the Southeastern Conference Championship…and beyond.
EDITORS NOTE: You didn’t really think I was going to leave UGA without a…..
HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS!

NEBRASKA: 80,000 Husker Fans “paid” to see the spring game in Lincoln.
The Black Shirts may not be all the way back…but they are getting there in a hurry.

LOUISVILLE: Coach Steve Kragthorpe (Whose last name will be pronounced “Fired” if he doesn’t do a better job coaching than he did last season) spent the majority of the spring football practice teaching the Cardinals how to spell “D-E-F-E-N-S-E”.

COACH’S QUOTE OF THE WEEK: Coach Paul Johnson, Georgia Tech
“What the Hell? I thought I was coaching THE University of Georgia……..O’ God is this ever going to suck.”
EDITORS NOTE: Yes it will coach, it most certainly will.

WEST VIRGINIA: The Mountaineer fans are stocking up on furniture and lighter fluid this off-season in anticipation of another run at the Big East title under a real West Virginia coach.
EDITORS NOTE: I still don’t understand the concept of burning your own furniture after your team wins a game. I support it, but I don’t understand it.

LASALLE & MARIST: I understand both ladies had their hair done and hope to lose some weight this spring and summer and have a better outlook on life for the 2008 season.
Which is nice.

IVY LEAGUE: (Please see UCLA and Oregon)

Later this week Hootie Snitch will return to answer your email questions before we wrap up the College Football Spring Game Tour.

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

We will break from the usual “Tuesday Email Q&A” with Hootie Snitch to update the Spring Football Games from around the Country.
For those of you that are interested….
Hootie and his cousin Ronnie have both been released from the hospital following Hootie’s failed attempt to perform laser eye surgery on his cousin.
I am sure he will have more to say about this incident later in the week.

We all know the Spring Football Games have become a showcase for the upcoming season, but they have also developed into a fans dream weekend with a number of events, concerts and programs to excite and motivate any college football fan.

The next two weeks I will highlight a number of College Football Spring games and the events surrounding them, including news from the practice fields to keep you all informed and motivated for the upcoming 2008 College Football Season.
Enjoy!

OLE MISS & DUKE: Excitement surrounds both football programs with new coaches on campus, with Houston “I’m a” Nutt at Ole Miss and David “I know the Manning’s” Cutcliffe with the Blue Devils.
The excitement transcended to the spring game as both teams doubled attendance from last years event. Duke had six people attend while Ole Miss had nearly a dozen in the stands.
Attempts to determine if some of the spectators had wandered into the stadiums by accident are as yet to be determined.

BEST QUOTE FROM A SPRING GAME: Cameron Newton, University of Florida.
“I am not competing to be the back-up quarterback. I am competing to be the starting quarterback.”
EDITORS NOTE: Two words for you son: Tim Tebow, Now go take a seat on the bench.

BEST COACH’S QUOTE: Coach Nick Saban, University of Alabama
“I don’t need any show dogs, I need hunting dogs out on the field.”
EDITORS NOTE: Enough said Coach.

TENNESSEE: The annual Orange and White game had a number of “interesting” events surrounding the game itself. My favorite would have to be the “Guess What Coach Fulmer Just Ate” Contest sponsored by Krispy Kreme and Big Orange Bail Bonds.

The winner was Hal “Scooter” Schofield from Winchester Tennessee with his winning guess of a 1979 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme.
EDITORS NOTE: No word yet on the condition of the illegal aliens living inside the vehicle at the time of consumption.

MICHIGAN: Athough the annual “Maze and Blue” game sounds like a time when the Native Americans saved some frozen pilgrims; the arrival of a new coach to campus in Ann Arbor has brought an unusual carnival like atmosphere to the spring game.

Coach Rodriguez or “Coach Rod” as he prefers to be called has instituted a number of what he calls “fun family events” for the Wolverine fans at this years spring game.
In honor of his wife, Coach Rod has the “Pimp your Wife” booth, which will allow Mrs. Rodriguez to give hooker fashion tips to the female attendees.
Prehaps the most popular event will be the “So Sue Me” Q&A with fans when Coach Rod will claim amnesia and other excuses on why he can’t pay West Virginia the 10 Million Dollars he owes them, this event will be sponsored by the Trial Lawyers Association of America.

And on a football note: If you think the Wolverines were bad last year?
You ain’t seen nothing yet…..

EDITORS NOTE: Why would you want to be called “Coach Rod”?
Sounds like the name of a gay porn star.

SOUTHERN MISS: I am still mad as hell that the Southern Miss administration ran Coach Jeff Bowers out of town, so I have nothing to report.

ALABAMA: 78, 200 in attendance for the Spring Game. Enough Said…..

OKLAHOMA & OKLAHOMA STATE: Nothing new to report, OU is BIG, Strong and Fast and will be better than they were last year and Coach Gundy is still a man.

CLEMSON: The Tigers are loaded with a returning quarterback that could start for anybody in the country except Florida. The game with Alabama to start the season will be something to see.

FLORIDA STATE: Great News from Tallahassee!
Last week it was reported that Coach Bobby found the practice field “all by his self”!
Unfortunately Coach Bobby was wearing “Pink Panther” slippers and matching robe while holding a bag of oranges and shouting “Where is MY Monkey!”
Coach Fisher took over practice while Bobby was taken away to “rest”.

More Spring Games to report later in the week.

RTR
MEB