There are a lot of things that don’t make sense to me; say like the NCAA dragging its feet on the investigation into Reggie Bush and the University of Southern California and cheese logs.

I don’t understand how the Weather Channel can “predict” a dozen major hurricanes this year, but can’t tell me if it’s going to rain in the morning.

Why is there an Amish Outlet?
Are the Amish producing so many goods that they need a place to sell the excess?
And how much stuff can you move in a buggy anyway?

Why is there a store that sells “Irregular” clothing?
Do I really want to save ten dollars on a pair of jeans only to have to explain to my friends why one leg of my pants is eight inches higher than the other and why my zipper is located on my hip?

I recently saw a billboard on the way to my wife’s family reunion that said, “Grandpa’s House of Meat and Cheese” and then at the bottom of the sign it said, “Come on in and check out Grandpa’s Meat!”
Am I the only person that thinks that is funny as hell and a little disgusting?

Do people in this country really think that having a “Talent” constitutes setting off twenty dollars worth of firecrackers in your pants while you play the ukulele?

I know, sometimes I think too much, but just don’t get me started on cheese logs.

Email Questions and Answers

Q: Mike, do you know the orgin of why they call Youngstown State the Penguins?
Thanks!
Jeremy - Zanesville, Ohio
A: Because the university is located ten miles form the artic circle Jeremy.

Q: Mike, I was shopping for my wife’s birthday and was looking at purchasing a UT (Tennessee) version of the game Monopoly and was wondering if you knew the diffrence between this version and the regular Monopoly game?
Tommy - Jackson, Tennessee
A: Glad you asked Tommy. The Tennessee version of Monopoly has a variety of different twists but the most noticeable is that not only does the Tennessee football player end up in jail and cannot collect two hundred dollars, but he also has to wait for Phil Fulmer’s lawyer to bail him out.

Q: As a Professor of Philosophy at a Major Ivy League Institution, I feel that I am qualified to comment on your latest rant forbidding children to choose their favorite teams in sports. Simply put; we should let them choose to stimulate their creativity and develop self worth in their decision making process. I hope this helped you understand how we “do things up north.”
Dr. R. Moran - Cambridge, Massachusetts.
A: Admit it Doc, you heard these words a lot growing up….
“Hand over your lunch money”

Q: Mike, I have a confession to make. I am a life long Alabama Fan, but yesterday while I was at work I “Kind of” flirted with this young lady that is a recent Auburn graduate.
What should I do?
Warren - Cottondale, Alabama
A: Say Thirty “Hail Bryants” and go back to work and behave yourself.

Q: Mike is the mascot at the University of Nebraska, “Husker Boy” real or is that a student in a costume? That boy has got the biggest head I have ever seen on a human being!
Shirley - Texarkana, Arkansas
A: Unfortunately Shirley that is NOT a student in a costume, but he doesn’t have the largest head of all the mammals. That distinction belongs to Wynonna Judd.

Q: You were a little hard on the new Georgia State head football coach in a previous post. Are we to understand that you really don’t think Bill Curry is a very good football coach?
Debbie - Atlanta, Georgia
A: Bill Curry is to Coaching what Siegfried and Roy are to Heterosexuality.

Q: What is the craziest thing you have seen during this off season?
Todd - Biloxi, Mississippi
A: “I saw a werewolf drinking a Pina Colada at Trader Vic’s; his hair was perfect.”

EDITORS NOTE: My Thanks to Warren Zevon for the above answer.

Q: Mike, how are the football players at the University of Tennessee going to stay academically eligible without the “Minor in Dance” classes?
Julie - Gainesville, Florida
A: Thank goodness they still have the “Walking Classes” or they might be in real trouble. But I have on good authority that the “new” curriculum for freshman football players at Tennessee will include two classes from the Agriculture Department.
The Armadillo: Possum on the Half Shell or Natures Little Tank?
Okra: Hairy vegetable or Natures Bore Brush?

Q: Mike I know that you have discussed this before, but I have to ask which university do you think has the worse mascot in all of collegiate sports?
Sorry if this is a repeat question! Thanks!
Kim - Spartanburg, South Carolina
A: There are a number of worthy candidates for that award Kim, but I would have to say that the Evergreen State Geoduck wins the award for the worst mascot.
It looks like a foam rubber turd with legs, see for yourself.

Enjoy your Fourth of July and remember we are only 56 days away from Kickoff…..

RTR
MEB

It saddens me to report that the beloved University of Georgia mascot UGA VI passed away last Friday.

The English Bulldog was the largest of all Georgia mascots at 65 pounds and represented the University of Georgia during two Southeastern Conference Championships and posted the best record of any mascot with the football team during his ten year rein at 87 and 27.

“He was a good one”, owner Frank W. “Sonny” Seiler said in a statement released by the university.

“What can I say? He had a marvelous record. He was a very strong and healthy dog. He was the biggest of all the dogs, and he had the biggest heart. It just played out.”

UGA VI was buried yesterday in his famous kennel; entombed in the granite and marble mausoleum in the southwest corner of Sanford Stadium where UGA’s five predecessors are buried.

COMMENTARY

Many of you may be saying, what’s the big deal; It was just a dog, or why should he care he isn’t a Georgia man.

But I do care.

I care because I love the pageantry and tradition of college football and it doesn’t get any better than seeing UGA on the field with his red letter sweater barking at the opposing team.

I care because I have never met a bad Georgia Bulldog fan.

I care because I think the world of Sonny Seiler and his bride Miss Cecelia.

I care because of Lewis Grizzard and Vince Dooley.

I care because UGA VI tried to bite that smartass Auburn football player a few years ago.

I care because the Bulldog Nation would line up for hours, just to have their picture taken with him.

I care because I loved that Big Ole Bulldog.

Written on the side of UGA VI’s famous kennel in red and black letters, it said……..”A Damn Good Dawg.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

RTR
MEB

I will apologize in advance as this may be your only update this week. However we do have some college football news to report and some Email Q & A to cover for your information and entertainment.

So let’s get to it shall we?

DUKE: A Kentucky judge has confirmed what Duke football fans have known for years: Their football team is as bad as it gets.

Bad enough that Louisville should have to find another football team to replace the Blue Devils without penalty after Duke pulled out of the final three games of a four game contract last season.

In a lawsuit filed late last year, Louisville asked for $450,000 dollars in damages and any additional damages the court saw fit to award.

But Duke’s lawyers argued that the Blue Devils performance on the field was so poor that any Division I team would suffice as a replacement. Duke is 6-45 over the past five years and 13-90 since 1999.

Simply put, eleven hamsters would provide a bigger challenge to an opposing team.

NOTRE DAME: How bad is your football program when your Athletic Director would leave for the same position at Duke? Well, the Fighting Irish Athletic Director Kevin White did that just last week.

EDITORS NOTE: This is a sure sign that you suck.

OLYMPICS: Believe it or not, in Las Vegas this week a group is meeting to determine who will represent the United States in an Olympic demonstration of “Rock-Paper-Scissors”, in hopes that this will become an actual Olympic event in the near future.

One gibbering idiot was quoted as saying: “The manual dexterity and mental acuity to be a champion in this sport is equal to any sport anywhere in the world.”

EDITORS NOTE: What are we going to hear next? Wang Chang Foo is the Mark Spitz of “Rock-Paper-Scissors”? Kill me now.

ALABAMA: This week starting linebacker and one time running back Jimmy Johns was arrested in a drug sting by local police on five counts of selling cocaine.

Coach Nick Saban immediately responded with this statement: “This type of behavior obviously will not be tolerated and he is no longer a part of our program.”

EDITORS NOTE: Please note that at no time did Coach Nick say “He was looking into it” or “Waiting for all the facts” or even mention giving Johns another chance.
For the fans in Tallahassee and Knoxville; this is how it is done.

NCAA: Just in case you were wondering. We are all STILL waiting to hear about the investigation into Reggie Bush and Southern California.

EMAIL Q and A

Q: You wrote that “Most California fans” are of the “fair weather” type. In your mind, what constitutes a fair weather fan?
Brad - La Jolla, California
A: There are alot of ways to determine a fair weather fan Brad. But lets take a look at the most noticeable.

If all your college game day wear STILL has the price tag on it and it hasn’t been washed and not because it’s “lucky”, then you are most certainly a “fair weather” fan.
In California Speak: If the brand new shirt fits, then I don’t have to acquit.

Q: Mike, couldn’t you at least “try” and be a fan of the University of Southern California Trojans?
Jenna - Los Angeles, California
A: I would rather play Twister with Rosie O’Donnell.

EDITORS NOTE: I made myself throw up with that visual, sorry.

Q: Hello? Ever heard of the Ivy League?
Roxanne -Ithaca, New York
A: No I haven’t and you want to know why? Because your marching bands suck. And as a side note: Your cheerleaders look like they could floss with a number two pencil.

Q: For your information San Jose State is a “big” in-state rivalry game with both the University of Southern California and the Golden Bears of California!
Juan - Berkeley, California
A: Has anybody ever gotten killed over the results of the football game or divorced over your team affiliations? Then it’s not a “Big” rivalry game dumbass.

Q: How dare you dismiss AI Day on Trojan gameday! Amensty International Day brought “awareness” to the plight of the political prisoners unlawfully detained in this country! I am sure that the concept of justice is too difficult for you to understand!
Stephan G. - Los Angeles, California
A: I understand a lot of things Stephan. For example, I understand that you are a wussy with too much time on your hands.  

Q: Why all the hostility towards California? Frankly it saddens me. I believe that if we just shake hands, it will send a message of hope and peace and understanding. What do you say?
Amarella Sanchez - Encinitas, California
A: Shaking hands with someone from southern California is like shaking hands with a damp Twizzler.

Only 64 Days until Kickoff………

RTR
MEB

It would appear from the number of emails I received after my last post that I hit a nerve with some football fans of “anything” California. It is also apparent that I have offended a large number of northern football fans living near the artic circle. I am assuming they read my post when they weren’t chewing whale blubber.

Before we go any further let me take a moment to bring a silver lining to this discussion and clear up any misunderstanding.

For the folks who reside near the artic circle that were offended by my last post; look on the bright side.
You may not be very good in the world of college football, but you still have the winter Olympics!
Curling! YES!

To my “Highly Offended” football fans from California let me simplify this argument for you.

We are different.

You think you have all the answers.

We Know you don’t.

When one of our players is accused of accepting money from a Booster or one of our universities undergoes an NCAA inquisition you say we have a “Plantation Mentality.”

When one of your players has been paid by a Booster or your university undergoes an NCAA investigation you say “the system is flawed.”

Certainly there are other differences as well.

We know the “Real” Death Valley isn’t in the desert…

To us the Third Saturday in October means something special….

We know that Ninety Thousand people will fit into a Swamp…

We know that Bo still Knows….

We Know that Hershal is a stallion and Earl is a Longhorn..

We Invented tailgating….
EDITORS NOTE: Not to be confused with the same term and or activity used in and around the San Francisco bay area.

Most of OUR mascots can and will hurt you if given the chance…

I hope this helped.

Before I forget, Hootie Snitch will return next week as he is still trying to sober up from his trip to the South Carolina Cooter Festival. Before you even ask, yes I am serious.
http://www.cooterfest.com/

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

GEORGIA STATE: I will try and write this particular piece again without breaking into fits of uncontrollable laughter.

Georgia State has started a football program and named Bill Curry as their Head Coach.

Yes, That Bill Curry

There is Good news and Bad news here folks.

The Bad News is that Georgia State hired Bill Curry as their Head Coach.
The Good News is the rest of us won’t have to listen to his winy “know it all” ass cry on television anymore about how the Alabama fans never embraced him at the Capstone.

OPERATION MORALE: Recently a number of college football coaches traveled across Southwest Asia on “Operation Morale” to visit with our tropps and to thank them for their sacrifice and service. Notable Coaches on the tour included Notre Dame Coach Charlie Weis, Mark Richt of Georgia, Miami Hurricane Coach randy Sahnnon and Tommy Tubberville of Auburn.

Thank you to all the coaches; those boys and girls really appreciated it.

EDITORS NOTE: Despite the fact a number of reported terrorist seemed to “disappear” in Baghdad, there is no truth to the rumor that Charlie Weis ingested any Al-Qaeda operatives while he was in Iraq.

Also the rumors circulating that Tommy Tubberville’s ears were used to listen to conversations in the distant caves of Afghanistan are completely false. Everyone knows his ears only have an estimated sensitive hearing radius (ESHR) of five hundred miles.

GEORGIA: It’s a sad day between the hedges.

John Rauch, the former Bulldog quarterback and Oakland Raider Head Coach in Super Bowl II died at his home in Oldsmar Florida. he was 80 years old.

Rauch became a four year starter for the Bulldogs from 1945 to 1948 and he was the first player in college football history to start in four consecutive bowl games. Het set the NCAA record with 4,044 career passing yards while leading the Georgia Bulldogs to a 36-8-1 record and two consecutive Southeastern Conference Championships.

VIRGINIA TECH: The Hokie’s prized recruit who led Amherst High School to consecutive Group AA State Championships and was voted the Associated Press Virginia Player of the Year is facing felony drug charges.

Peter Rose, the first team quarterback and AP Group AA Player of the Year in 2007, was charged with two counts of distribution of drugs within 1,000 feet of a school.

Florida State Coach Bobby Bowden was reported to have said concerning the arrest: ” If he would have signed with us we would have provided him with bail money and a decent attorney.”

TENNESSEE: This past week, University of Tennessee President John Petersen announced that a number of academic programs will be eliminated in order to cover the reported 11 million dollar shortfall in the university budget.

One program that will be eliminated is the minor in dance curriculum.
No word yet on how this will effect the academic standing of the football team.

EDITORS NOTE: Thank God they STILL have the Walking classes for the football players or none of them would be eligible.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Believe it or not, the investigation into the Trojans and Reggie Bush is still “ongoing.” Ole Reggie’s attorneys are working overtime to prevent the lawsuit from his “former” sports agent Lloyd Lake from being conducted in a public forum.
Currently the lawsuit has been delayed as Reggie’s attorneys have reserved an 11 July court date to argue a motion to compel arbitration and want the case stayed until that motion is heard.
If the case is stayed and moved out of court, it would cut off potential court-related evidence available to the NCAA, which as we all know is “investigating” whether Bush and his family recevied impermissible benefits from Lake and his former business partner Michael Michaels.

Bush and the Trojans don’t act like they are innocent, do they?

EDITORS NOTE: Whatever happened to the NCAA finding a team or individual guilty on circumstantial evidence?

NCAA: Hey Matlock, have you found Reggie Bush’s parents house yet?

Only 70 days until Kickoff…….

RTR
MEB

I have received a number of emails recently concerning my “bias” of Southern football in general and the Southeastern Conference in particular.

Some have commented that I need to be more “fair and balanced”. While others have suggested that such and such and so in so conference or university has a better team or teams than the Southeastern Conference.

One reader went as far as to suggest that Southern California “should” have been declared the National Champions last year because they were “better” at the end of the year than LSU.

Let me take a moment to respond to such criticism.

We Southerners have never bought into the “kinder and gentler” thought process, particulary when it comes to college football.

At least “real” Southerners haven’t.

We don’t allow our children to “choose” a college football team on their own, God forbid.

The little ones learn early and fast what “their” colors are and good parenting is often judged by how soon your children learn the fight song and know the name of their respective mascot.

And frankly I support that theory.

Yankees usually let their children “decide on their own” so their “creativity” isn’t dampened later in life. That is why most of their children are gibbering idiots by the time they are ten years old.

EDITORS NOTE: Notable exceptions to this rule of course are Ohio State, Michigan and Penn State Fans.

While most northern families are talking to their children about the Kennedy Dynasty and the advantages of socialism, we in the South have educated our children in the ways of Bryant, Dooley, Dietzel and Shug.
We have taken the time to explain the Wishbone Offense to our kids and ran it with them in the back yard.
Unlike socialism, we have proven to our children the Wishbone offense works.

EDITORS NOTE: Notable exceptions to this rule of course are Ohio State, Michigan and Penn State Fans.

California college football fans which are almost always of the “Fair Weather” type are still stuck in the mindset of the 1960’s with “Hey, it’s just a game” or “Who wants a Zima and some Tofu?” and “Can’t we all just get along” attitude.

Let me be the first to break the news to you Sunshine: We Can’t, Don’t and Won’t all get along.
In fact we don’t like you. Not even a little bit.

You are the Paris Hilton of the college football world.

While you are getting “all fired up” to play Fresno, Jalapeno or San Jose State somewhere in the South a titanic struggle is taking place between proud programs that will be talked about for generations.

You think having a “Amnesty International Day” on game day is exciting?
Then you don’t want to go to Clemson, Blacksburg, Gainesville, Athens or Baton Rouge on a Saturday night.

Your heart wouldn’t be able to stand it.

We in the South own the landscape of College Football and all the ESPN announcers and left coast commentaries and NCAA Bull Butter in the world won’t change that fact.

Only 72 days until kickoff……

RTR
MEB

I know you’re a thinking that I am supposed to right something tomorrow, it being Friday and all.
Before you ask I ain’t a bit superstitious about righting on Friday the 13th!
But after that flu bug or whatever done jumped on the website a few weeks ago, I ain’t taken no chances!

Tell you the truth I never knew a damn machine could catch the flu, did you?

Before I get going on this weeks email questions and answers I just got to comment on that picture of young Phil Fulmer Junior I seen in this column a week or so ago.
He’s a good looking boy ain’t he?
You can sure see the donut didn’t fall very far from the box there!
He looks just like Coach Fulmer!

Now that we done got that out of the way let’s get to what I like to call: “Keep’n It Real with Hootie Snitch”
That is catchy as hell ain’t it?

Q: Hootie, you wrote some time ago that you didn’t know “Victoria’s Secret” but did know Earlene’s Secret. Care to share with us what that might be?
Ken - Little Rock, Arkansas
A: She will whip your ass after she gets liquored up but around here that ain’t no secret.

Q: You are like so funny and everything! Like seriously! I really like get a kick out of reading your articles. Do you have an IM account?
Stephanie -Newport Beach, California
A: IM right here at the Ole Casa Da Hootie in Baneberry Tennessee!

Q: Hootie we were wondering if you have invented anything else after the folks at McDonalds decided to pass on your McPossum and McMuskrat sandwich ideas?
Alex -Boone, North Carolina
A: Them folks at McDonalds wouldn’t know a good idea if it reached up and bit em, which that possum I brought for the “display” did to one of them McDonald’s folks.
I sure hope that fella’s stitches come out alright.
But to answer your question Alex, I invented something that is going to make me richer than Ernest Tubb!

Alex what does everybody need during the summertime? Sun Block, am I right?

Well I done invented some Sun Block that the pharmacist assistant down at the Wal-Mart here says must be a SF 4000! I ain’t really sure what the whole SF thing means, but I figured the higher it was the better it is! And it don’t get no higher than “Hooties Miracle Sun Block”!

I will let you in on a little secret Alex, what it actually is….plumber’s putty.
But it works like a damn charm and you can even mold it into a hat if you want too!
Hell, I am wearing a hat made out of it right now!

Q: Hootie, I think you are a “little off” on your latest rant concerning the reining National Champion LSU Tigers and Coach Les Miles. The headlines around the country that you referenced stated……

“DUE TO HIGH GAS PRICES AMERICA IS DRIVING LESS MILES THIS SUMMER”

This means that Americans will be driving LESS miles this summer, understand?
Eddie -Thibodaux, Louisiana
A: I know damn well what it said and you ain’t tricking me into driving your Coach no damn where!

Q: Hootie do you have any plans to see any movies while we wait for the start of the 2008 College Football Season?
Valerie - Stuttgart, Arkansas
A: I am still a waiting on another one of them Ernest movies to hit the screen, but until then I figure we will just watch the video of Uncle Todd’s colonoscopy again.
It’s kind of like watching “Journey to the Center of the Earth.”

Q: My question is this: What kind of team do you think the Chippewa’s will have this year and do you think a real contender will emerge from the Mid-American Conference this year?
Tom - Mount Pleasant, Michigan
A: You making this up? Because this sounds made up to me. I never heard of nothing you just said. What is a Chippewa anyway? Is that like a miniature groundhog?

Q: Do you have any opinions about Yale this year?
Reginald - New Haven, Connecticut
A: Well I yale all the damn time around here, especially when the phone don’t work or the satellite goes out during Jerry Springer.

Q: Hootie as a rabid Tennessee Fan what is the most amazing thing you have ever seen in Neyland Stadium?
Jimmy - Altus, Oklahoma
A: That’s an easy one Jimmy! I was at a game in Neyland stadium two years ago with my partner in crime Scooter Johnson. I don’t remember who we was playing but right before halftime ole Scooter was getting ready to sneeze and when he sneezed Scooter broke wind at the same time and I thought his damn head was going to pop off!

That was without a doubt the most amazing thing I ever seen!

Hootie - Out!

You know we are 79 days away from the opening kickoff to the 2008 College Football season so it’s time to talk about one of my favorite topics; Instate Rivalries.

Certainly everyone knows about the hate and discontent that exists between Ohio State and Michigan or Texas and Oklahoma and Tennessee and everybody.

But the hate that is conjured up by an instate rivalry is the most bitter of all.

For those of you in Nebraska, Wyoming, Ohio, Illinois, Wisconsin or Tennessee you may not understand what I am describing.

Let’s face it a game between Ohio State and Ohio Wesleyan isn’t exactly a major draw.
Some of you may be thinking what would be wrong with watching the Buckeyes take on the Battling Bishops?

Everything: Because it doesn’t matter and the outcome is inevitable.

The hate and discontent that is generated by an instate rivalry last’s all year long.
It is passed on to your children and it is felt at the grocery store, at school and in church.

It is the first derogatory thing that passes your lips when something doesn’t go as planned with someone from the “other side of the state”.

“Damn Herb didn’t bring back my lawnmower like he said he would; #@&* Duck fan, what should I have expected.”

It is stating that your two favorite college football teams are yours and any team playing against your rival that particular Saturday.

It is passion; it is one ideology and way of life versus another.

It is brother against brother.
It is Democrats verses Republicans, Protestants verses Catholics.
It is Oil and Water and Cowboy’s and Indian’s all rolled into one.

They play for an Apple Cup or a Common Wealth Trophy or in a Civil War or in an Egg Bowl but mostly they play for PRIDE.

They come with different mascots, fashions and nicknames, but they all have one thing in common…the quest for Bragging Rights

Nothing is sweeter, nothing lasts as long when you win and no pill is harder to swallow when you are on the “other” side of the score board.

The memories of long ago clashes last forever.

Enjoy your week…..

RTR
MEB

These are what I like to refer to as the “Dog Daze” of College Football when the college football players have yet to report to summer camp and kickoff is still three months away.

It is depressing really, especially when you consider the alternative this time of year for “sports” on television.

CLASSIC POKER: On first glance I thought this was going to be an old grainy adult movie from the 1960’s, but instead I saw a bunch of knuckleheads setting around a table playing cards.
If you find this entertaining, let me be the first to tell you that you don’t have a life.

CLASSIC BOWLING: First things first; Bowling is NOT a sport.
Why do I make such a bold claim?
Simple: If you can wear plaid pants and a funny shirt and drink beer while you are engaged in a particular activity, then it’s not a real sport. (See Golf)

EDITORS NOTE: What’s next “Classic Badminton”?

CRICKET: In the South we don’t play with crickets we fish with them.

LACROSSE: If I wanted to see men in funny shorts chase each other around with fishing nets then I would go to the Pro Bass Tournament in South Alabama, at least alcohol is involved there.

WOMEN’S BEACH VOLLEYBALL: You had me at “women in swim suits”, but the rest of this is just stupid.
It’s like trying to make sense out of watching “Baywatch”.

LUMBERJACK CHAMPIONSHIPS: I hate when ESPN airs these programs! They remind me that I have work to do in the yard instead of watching a replay of the 1992 Sugar Bowl.

HOCKEY: Why would I watch people with a bad dental plan when I just got back from my wife’s family reunion in eastern Kentucky?

SPELLING BEES: Yes, that has actually been shown on ESPN, can you believe it?
What’s next, “Classic Spelling Bee Moments”? God Help us……

PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL: One question; Why does each team have to play 1,625 games in a single season and then STILL have to play a seven game series to determine who the actual Champion is? How long does their season last anyway, eleven and a half months out of the year?

PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL (MEN): You pay players a zillion dollars a year and they can’t hit a foul shot and you expect me to believe this is a “professional” sport?
As to their year long season, please see professional baseball above on schedules and playoff information.

PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL (MEN-LITE): I know that many of you may be outraged by my categorization of these amazons as “men-lite”. The truth is, the only diffrence between them and their more masculine counterparts are somewhat fewer tattoos and a higher percentage of lesbians.

TRACK & FIELD: The only thing more boring than track is field.

THE OLYMPICS: When you have a “committee” that is actually “studying” the possibility of making Poker, Bicycle Jumping and Yoga an Olympic event then you have a bunch of gibbering idiots that wouldn’t know a REAL sport if it tackled them.

Also, do I care that Olympic athlete Chang Wang Woo once had polio and likes Velvetta?
The answer is NO, I do not.

SOCCER: The First Rule of any “Sport” is this: If Frenchmen can play it then it’s NOT a real sport. And before you attack me with “everybody plays soccer” let me say this: If my beloved University has a soccer team I am blissfully unaware.

GOLF: Please See Bowling.

Only 83 Days until Kickoff…..

Remember that today is the Anniversary of the Normandy Invasion: D-Day.
NEVER forget the sacrifice made by our military to secure our freedom yesterday, today and tomorrow.

RTR
MEB

Like everybody else I seen on the news and in the papers last week something that just frosted my ass!

At first I couldn’t believe what I was a seeing and then I got together with some other Tennessee fans from the trailer park here and they seen it too!

Hell Fire! It’s on all the local and cable news stations! I even seen the headlines in the Baneberry Tennessee paper! We all seen it and are mad enough to spit!

I can’t believe the nerve of those LSU fans and in particular their damn football coach!

Everybody knows they won the National Championship this past year, but there ain’t no need for some kind of special treatment just cause you all won the title!

And the LSU football Coach is a damn millionare! Why in the hell does he think the rest of us are going to go out of our way and drive to God knows where and do someting for him!

Well I am a asking you all to join me and say we ain’t a going to do it!

You all know what headlines I am a talking about too!

DUE TO HIGH GAS PRICES….
AMERICA IS DRIVING LESS MILES THIS SUMMER

Well by GOD I ain’t driving him nowwhere!

Hootie - Out!

Just a quick update as I take off for my wife’s family reunion in the mountains of eastern Kentucky.
I hope to return with an accurate count of the mullets in attendance and a long awaited photo of my Sasquatch look-a-like sister-in-law. Ah Good times.

So without further ado let us get to this weeks news and reports from around the college football world.

FLORIDA STATE: Looks like it’s Deja vu all over again in Seminole Land.
Starting offensive tackle Daron Rose has been ruled ineligible for the 2008 football season due to academic reasons and will attend junior college in the fall.

Meanwhile, projected starting linebacker Marcus Ball was released from his scholarship as well for academic issues.

Coach Bobby will now start the season without Preston Parker (Who we discussed last week) Rose, Ball and another half dozen or so of his top players because of a classroom cheating scandal in a music history class.

EDITORS NOTE: Beyond anything else, let me state what you all are thinking.
What kind of dumbass has to cheat to pass a music history class?

OKLAHOMA: The Mighty Sooners and College Football lost one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time this past week when Jack Mildren passed away at age 58 after a long battle with cancer.

Mildren was the quarterback for the powerful Oklahoma wishbone offense in 1971 when the Sooners set an NCAA record that still stands today by averaging 472.4 rushing yards per game.

He will most certainly be missed.

TEXAS A&M: “Wanted: One Dog, MUST hate Orange.”
This classified add is straight from Aggie Land, as their beloved collie mascot Reveille VII is retiring and the Corps of Cadets are on the scent for a successor.

All candidates must be at least 18 months old. Puppies Need not apply.

EDITORS NOTE: You have GOT to love those Aggies.

FLORIDA: NEWS Flash from the University of Florida!
Tim Tebow is STILL the man; film at eleven.

EMAIL Questions and Answers

Q: Mike, my family and I just moved to central Florida from Pennsylvania. With all the different college football allegiances in the Sunshine state I have a question for you that I hope will keep me out of trouble with my new neighbors. What is the difference between a Florida State Seminole fan and a Miami Hurricane Fan?
Mark -Coco Beach, Florida
A: Mark I would say ten pounds of gold jewelry and a set of crunk teeth.

Q: Mike you were not joking! That Michigan Coach’s wife does look like a hooker! Do you think she will ever be shown on television?
Chuck - East Lansing, Michigan
A: I believe she will be on television. I am thinking “Rock of Love III”….

Q: Mike is there anyone out there in college football land that still believes that the University of Southern California “isn’t” getting perferential treatment by the NCAA?
Nick - Conway, South Carolina
A: Nick, I would say there is about as many people that believe that Reggie Bush and the Trojans are innocent as watch the “Best of Zamfir” Pan Flute CD infomercial at three o’clock in the morning.
In fact, I believe they are the same people.

Q: You’re the “Great College Football Prognosticator”, so what do you think about a Division I college football playoff? Inquiring minds want to know.
Stacy - Blackburg, Virginia
A: In the words of the immortal Coach Paul W. Bryant; “There is a playoff system in college football, it’s called the regular season.”

Whatever happened to Oklahoma playing Ohio State or Penn State and Alabama?

Instead we are forced to endure Florida State and Florida A&M or the “Mighty” Trojans of Southern California playing the Keebler Elves.

When real teams from real conferences will play a real schedule, then you won’t have a need for a playoff, the BCS, or Roy Kramer. Glad I could help.

Q: Mike you are obviously a Southeastern Conference guy. Tell me you will be pulling for Tennessee over UCLA in the first game of the season, right?
Todd - Tellico Plains, Tennessee
A: For me it’s like trying to decide who you want to win in a war between Iran and Syria.

Q: Mike does Duke University use some catchy phrase to promote their football program? Thanks!
Glen - Georgetown, Kentucky
A: They sure do Glen! It’s called “That thing that takes place between basketball seasons.”

Have a Great Week and remember only 92 days left until kickoff…..

RTR
MEB

It has been a hectic week in college football since the CFB Wizard experienced some technical difficulties.

So, let’s catch up on the latest college football news from around the country.

FLORIDA STATE: From the “Here We Go Again” Department, Florida State wide receiver Preston Parker will have to sit out the “first two games” of the 2008 season after pleading guilty Monday to two misdemeanor charges.

You may remember that the the 21 year old Parker, the Seminoles Most Valuable Player last season, was arrested in April on a FELONY charge of having a loaded .45 caliber pistol in the dashboard of his car. This charge was reduced to a misdemeanor charge of carrying a concealed weapon. At the time of his arresst, Parker was ALSO charged with misdemeanor marijuana possession, to which he also pleaded guilty in Palm Beach County.

Coach Bobby Bowden had this to say concerning Preston Parker. “Preston made a very serious mistake, and there are consequences when one of our boys gets in trouble.”

EDITORS NOTE: I guess that all depends on your definition of “consequences.”

No word yet on how the lack of Parker’s services will effect the Seminoles in the first two games of the season as they prepare to play the South Georgia Taxidermy Academy and the Breaux Bridge Vietnamese Nail and Beauty College.

MISSISSIPPI STATE: Two “former” Bulldog players Michael Brown and Quinton Wesley were given suspended sentences for firing guns on campus in March of this year. Each will be on probation during the sentence and could serve jail time if they do meet all the requirements set forth by the court.

The reason I used the term “former” is because Coach Sylvestor Croom kicked them both off the team soon after the arrests; for good.

The Coach didn’t wait to talk with them, gather additional evidence or have his personal attorney meet with the witnesses. He never said “Boys will be Boys” or any number of other catchy phrases used from Tallahassee to Knoxville.

If you are thinking that “maybe” the players weren’t “that good” and that gave the Coach a good opportunity to “send a message” to the rest of the team; Think again.

Michael Brown was the Bulldogs best offensive lineman, a second team All-SEC selection and a likely early round pick in next years NFL Draft. He was even on the cover of the Mississippi State Spring Football Guide.

Quinton Wesley was projected starter on the defensive side of the ball and was last year’s defensive MVP Runner-up for the Bulldogs.

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering, that my friends IS “Old School” discipline.

PENN STATE: Good News from Happy Valley. Jo Pa is out of the hospital after being treated for dehydration and is back to his usual routine of recruiting and preparing the Nittany Lions for the upcoming season.

EDITORS NOTE: Welcome Back Joe, you gave us a scare.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Recent revelations concerning “another” Trojan athlete have surfaced over improper payments and monetary inducements, this time within the basketball program. The investigation has “already” been conducted by the university and the findings presented to the conference and the NCAA.

So, why hasn’t the University of Southern California presented their “findings” yet to the PAC 10 Conference and the NCAA on the investigation into Reggie Bush and the Trojan Football program?

ESPN: Why are you all so quiet over the allegations involving Reggie Bush? Could it be the hefty football television contract with the PAC 10 Conference and the flagship football program of the conference?

The reason I ask is because any hint of alleged NCAA improprieties involving Southern universities and you all act like a bulldog with a new bone; you won’t leave it alone.

So, why are you all so quiet now?

NCAA: See Above

TENNESSEE: Many of you have written me concerning an entry into Wikipedia on Phil Fulmer. Specifically the section designated to his “Family.”

It states: “”Fulmer and his wife Vicky have three daughters Courtney, Brittany and Allison. Son Phillip Jr. is from a “previous relationship”.

I have received an untold number of requests recently for a picture of the illusive Phillip Junior since this startling revelation was uncovered and as you all know by now I never disappoint my fans.

Through an exhaustive clandestine investigation I present to you, the young Phil Fulmer Junior.

Enjoy your Memorial Weekend…..only 98 Days until Kick-Off.

RTR
MEB

I must apologize for the recent interrruption of service of “Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator”.

What happened to cause the website to disappear from your web browser?

This past weekend I was forced to visit Mr. James “Hootie” Snitch, the self professed “Number One Vol Fan on the Planet”, for his latest update.

I had to visit him because he is no longer allowed to use the computer at the local library or the Food City in Baneberry Tennessee. It appears the management of both establishments “frowned” on Hootie drinking beer and cleaning his toenails while utilizing their computers. Imagine that?

So, as I was logging onto the website the following conversation went something like this……

MEB: You have your updates Hootie? What is that smell?

HOOTIE: Got em right cheer, say what does that button do?

MEB: Don’t touch that. Smells like somebody is boiling baloney.

HOOTIE: That’s my smell good, ain’t you ever heard of “High Karate”? What a happens if I press on that button?

MEB: You will jack-up the system. Just hang on I am almost finished downloading your update.

HOOTIE: Watch this……….

Then IT happened. Not only did the system shut down, but I had downloaded a virus onto the server.

Of course Hootie denies that he brought a virus into the system by saying; “Can’t be me, I ain’t been sick since the sixth grade.”

However, I do appreciate your patience and I hope to have everything back in order later this week.

Only 100 Days until kick-off………..

RTR
MEB

Before we get into this weeks emails, I guess yawl want me to tell you why I tried to do that laser eye surgery on my cousin Ronnie with one of them laser pointers.

Well, if you ain’t never seen my cousin Ronnie, let me tell you, that boy has got a head like a catfish. His eyes are on the side of his head and they just kind of move around all by themselves, if you know what I mean. Hell, he even has two little whiskers that hang from his lip like a catfish.

So, I figured why not get me one of them laser pointers and hook ole Ronnie up. Couldn’t hurt his looks none.

Anyway, it didn’t work out so well, as you all have heard by now.
But at least it didn’t start no fire like the time we tried to cure momma’s cataracts by sticking her head in the microwave.

I know you wanting some answers to your questions so let’s get to my mail or as I like to call this part “Keep’n it Real with Hootie Snitch” (Thought that up myself, catchy ain’t it?)

Q: Hootie, did you do anything special to celebrate Cinco de Mayo? Just wondering!
Maria - El Paso, Texas
A: What kind of question is that? Why would I celebrate something that means “Pass the Mayo”? Besides we are gettin all geared up for the Big Celebration; Johnny Majors Birthday is the 21st of May!

Q: Sorry to hear about your “accident” Hootie. Did you do anything “interesting” during your recuperation?
Stan - Athens, Georgia
A: Thanks, yeah I took myself a trip, but boy was I ever disappointed.
I heard about this thing in Arkansas called the “Toad Suck” festival, so I headed off down there last weekend, thinking; get myself a t-shirt, suck on a toad or two to catch a buzz, then weave my way back to Casa Da Hootie in Baneberry Tennessee. Wrong.

They didn’t have no Toad Sucking or nothing; it’s a family thing, which kind of ruled out what I had planned. I ain’t kidding neither, see for yourself, their site is right here.
http://www.toadsuck.org/

Q: I have a question for you that I hope you can answer. Tennessee Quarterback Jonathan Crompton recently completed spring training but required extensive elbow surgery following the Orange and White Game. Will he be ready in time to start the season?
Stephen - Cookeville, Tennessee
A: You come to the right place; Nobody knows more about the Vols than Me! I have on good authority that the surgery you was talking about didn’t have nothing to do with his elbow.
I will let you all in on a little secret, you ready? Coach Phil had Jonathan’s throwing arm extended another 12 inches or so and they put an extra thumb on his hand too!
I hear that boy will be able to throw the football a damn MILE!

Q: Dear Sir, some of my classmates and I are planning to make the “road trip” from Northern Illinois University next year on October 4th to watch the Huskies play the Volunteers of Tennessee.
We want to do some cool things while we are in Knoxville and have looked up a number of things online and are wondering if you could answer a question for us.
What happens at a “Tennessee Ho Down”?
Jake - DeKalb, Illinois
A: Some smartass calls 911, the police show up and some innocent man goes to jail.

Q: This question is for Hootie. Will you please explain for me and the other readers how you are related to Coach Phil Fulmer at the University of Tennessee? Thanks.
Gary - Nashville, Tennessee
A: Be glad to Gary. My Daddy’s last name is Snitch, as you probably figured out on your own. My Momma’s last name before she married my daddy was Ratt; like the GREATEST Rock Band that ever lived! Ratt Rocks! So anyway, everybody says that Coach Fulmer is a “Snitch and a Ratt”, at least thats what we heard. So, we is proud that he is our kin, cause every Snitch and Ratt I know are Tennessee Vol fans, thru and thru! Hell Yeah!

Q: You sir sound like an illiterate Neanderthal with your insistant ramblings. I don’t know how you got past the third grade?
Brenda - Gainesville, Florida
A: You damn Gator fans don’t know nothing! You are way off on both counts! For your information I am a Baptist and I got myself a degree in educashon from the University of Tennessee.

Some of yawl have asked who I am supporting in the big political race this year.
I believe the choice is simple.
I am throwing all my support behind the only person qualified for the job.
There is only one choice for Sheriff of Knox County for me!

Hootie - Out!

It’s time for our last installment of the College Football Spring Game Tour.

I know, I am kind of sad about it too, but we only have 112 days until Kick-off…and we will continue to bring you the latest breaking news from the practice fields and coach’s clinics right up until the start of the 2008 season.

Before we roll into the final leg of our College Football Spring Tour let’s discuss some College Football news from San Diego, Baton Rouge and the upcoming 2008 Bowl Season.

It seems the judge in the civil suit against Reggie Bush by his one time sports agent and benefactor Lloyd Lake will be open to the public and not held behind closed doors as Reggie and his lawyers requested.

My favorite statement in the article by the San Diego writer: “Reggie Bush has not cooperated with the NCAA Investigation.” NOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooo Really?

Whatever happened to the NCAA branding someone a “Hostile Witness” for failing to cooperate and finding the individual and university guilty on all counts because of their “failure” to cooperate?
See for yourself:
http://www.signonsandiego.com/sports/nfl/20080503-9999-1s3bush.html

Great News College Bowl Lovers! Two “New” Bowl games have been added to the schedule for 2008!

We have the St. Petersburg Bowl, that’s in Florida, not Russia and the other new Bowl game is in Washington D.C. Which I presume is going to be called the “Bulletproof Vest and Ballistic Shield Bowl”, because that’s what you are going to need if you travel to downtown D.C. at night.

LSU: (UPDATE) Let’s not mince words here or use some cute sports metaphor to describe the recent dismissal by Coach Les Miles.

Tiger quarterback Ryan Perrilloux has been dismissed from the LSU Tiger football team for being a self-serving, “It’s all about me” jackass, that clearly can’t take any direction from his coaches.
I hope that cleared it up for everybody.

AUBURN: Tommy’s Tigers will once again field what could possibly be the class of the SEC West with new offensive and defensive coordinators and an outstanding crop of young players reporting to the plains.
Also, from the “Little Known Fact” Department, Coach Tommy Tuberville’s ears are so big that he can actually hear your thoughts.

MIAMI (FLA): The Hurricanes just don’t seem like the Miami of old without all the felony arrests, you know kind of like the Tennessee and Florida State of today. But they are none the less building a team that will contend for the Atlantic Coast Conference Title, in a couple of years.

WASHINGTON: The Huskies will be much better than they were a year ago, but they are still a long way from the Glory Years of yesterday. And as a side note; I have nothing against the current coaching staff or athletic administration, but I still miss Coach James.

BEST QUOTE OF YESTERDAY: Coach Woody Hayes, The Ohio State University
” There is nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.”

ILLINOIS:Coach Zook and The Fighting Pumpkins will make a serious run at the Big Ten, I mean Eleven Title this year, but will come up short to the mighty Buckeyes of Ohio State. Believe it.

ARKANSAS: Coach Bobby Petrino will have to wait another year before prized transfer Ryan Mallet from Michigan will be able to suit up for the Razorbacks, as the NCAA ruled the young man ineligible for the 2008 football season.

A visibly disappointed Coach Petrino told the local Fayetteville media that the quarterback position will now be determined through an intense round of “Rock-Paper-Scissors.”

EDITORS NOTE: The funny thing is Coach Petrino actually thought the NCAA was going to be “fair” concerning this situation. That’s almost as funny as when the NCAA uses the word “academics.”

TEXAS TECH: The Red Raiders (Get Those Guns UP!) are primed and ready for a breakout year and challenge everyone for the Big 12 title. This year they will throw more passes than Bill Clinton at a Church picnic.
Count on it.

KENTUCKY: Trying to replace Andre Woodson at quarterback will be harder than trying to find a Wildcat fan that actually cares about football season. Impossible? No. Difficult? Yes.

BOSTON COLLEGE: Seriously, Do you care? I didn’t think so, me either.

RUTGERS: (See above)

PITTSBURGH: (See Rutgers and Boston College)

WISCONSIN: The fact that the Badgers always have a competitive program capable of beating anybody on any given Saturday just goes to show you that cheese isn’t as bad for you as some scientist would have you believe.

MISSOURI: The Tigers return quarterback Chase Daniels and that should be good enough with the surrounding cast to get them to a top tier bowl game, but a ten or eleven win season?
Never.

CALIFORNIA: (Please see either Boston College, Rutgers or Pittsburgh)

NOTRE DAME: This season you can expect to see “All” of the Fighting Irish’s games on NBC, which of course stands for No Body Cares.

COACH’S QUOTE OF THE WEEK: Coach Sylvester Croom, Mississippi State University
“I have got a fever and the only prescription……is MORE Cowbell.”

MINNESOTA: I don’t have anything to report on the team this spring, but I did find out an interesting fact. The “Golden Gopher” mascot of Minnesota is “not” a groundhog as I had orginally thought.

In actuality, it is someone from your office or work place that is always willing to go get lunch for the staff and pay for it themselves.

I hope this cleared up any misunderstanding.

SOUTH CAROLINA: Can Coach Steve have a quarterback that doesn’t get arrested or suspended?
Come on, there just isn’t that much to do in Columbia!

Expect this kind of drain on the Ole Ball Coach to have him go into retirement within two seasons. Remember you heard it here first.

TEXAS A&M: Coach Mike Sherman better hit the ground running at Kyle Field. If he thinks the Green Bay fans were disagreeable after a loss, he hasn’t seen anything yet. Welcome to Aggieland.

Hootie Snitch will wrap up the week tomorrow with a round of emails.

Have a great weekend and if you are in need of a getaway there is no better place on the planet to escape than with my friends at the Stony Brook Chalets in Gatlinburg.

Check them out and tell them Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator sent you.
http://www.stonybrooklodging.com/

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering; “Yes”, that was a shameless plug.

RTR
MEB

I will be conducting the “Tuesday Q/A” this week, because Hootie Snitch is still recuperating from his failed attempt at performing laser eye surgery on his cousin Ronnie with a laser pointer.

For those of you that are concerned or are just joining us; This is all Hootie Snitch, the self professed “Greatest Tennessee Vol fan on the planet!”, would share concerning this particular incident.

While attempting to place Ronnie’s head in a bench vice to prevent him from “flinching” during the “surgery”, Ronnie inadvertently kicked Hootie square in the jimmy, thus rendering him incapable of carrying out the laser eye procedure on Ronnie.

Ronnie was attended by a local taxidermist that “sewed his ear back on” after Ronnie forced his head out of the vice losing his ear in the process and Hootie is resting comfortably at home icing his personal business.

Hootie also wanted me to share a “safety tip” with “all his fans”: “If you have to put somebody’s head in a bench vice, get them liquored up first.”
EDITORS NOTE: Wise words.

Any further medical discussions concerning this incident or other medical related questions will take place on my new website; “Turn your Head and Cough with Doctor Mike.”

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s get to this week’s Questions and Answers, Shall we?

Q: Mike the Husker Nation is really excited this year with Coach Bo at the helm! But I have to ask you, what will it take to win this year and get the Huskers back in the hunt for the Big 12 Championship?
Tommy - Lincoln, Nebraska
A: In the words of Coach Paul “Bear” Bryant: “The same things win that always won; we just have have a different bunch of excuses if we lose.” Enough said.

Q: Mike, my company recently relocated my family and I to Baton Rouge Louisiana from Illinois and I CANNOT believe the LSU Tiger fans here! My neighbors on the street were we live are STILL celebrating the National Championship! How much longer can I expect the “Party” to last?
Anthony - (Formerly of Clinton, Illinois) Baton Rouge, Louisiana
A: If I were you Anthony I would strap myself and my family in for the long haul. I know some Tiger fans that celebrated the 1958 LSU “Chinese Bandits” Championship right up until the 2001 Sugar Bowl.
Welcome to the Southeastern Conference.

Q: Dear Sir, my family and I drove through Tennessee and Kentucky recently to attend a college baseball game in Athens Georgia and I couldn’t help but notice that none of the drivers in those respective areas had their headlights on while they were driving. Not even in the dark!
Is there a reason for this?
James - Dayton, Ohio
A: Yes James there is a reason. The drivers in the respective areas you mentioned are afraid that having their headlights on will increase their electric bills.

Q: Mike, I heard that during the Tennessee Orange and White Game Coach Fulmer’s wife “went off” on some of the local sports writers for publishing negative articles on the Coach’s continuing lack of discipline with the Volunteer players. Is that true and who is “really” in charge of that family?
Steve - Spartanburg, South Carolina
A: I have not heard about that incident Steve, but I can assure you that Coach Fulmer wears the bra in that family.

Q: Listen Mister, Coach Rod’s wife is NOT a hooker!?
I don’t know what you are smoking but she is NOT a Hooker! Got it?
Anonymous -Ann Arbor, Michigan
A: Well, “anonymous” if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck……

Q: Mike, would you ever consider writing an article on another sport, say like the NBA?
Thanks!
Johnny -Madison, Wisconsin
A: Why in the Holy name of Vince Dooley would I write about something as stupid as the NBA?
A sport that lasts 12 and a half months out of the year and “everybody” makes the playoffs?
Let me sum this up for you Johnny, if the folks that run the NBA were in charge of WWII, we would still be fighting the Germans and the Japanese.

Q: Mike, I have a question for you. How many Duke students does it take to change a light bulb?
Paul - Lexington, Kentucky
A: At Duke it takes Eight.
One to screw it in and seven to discuss how much brighter it shines during basketball season.
EDITORS NOTE: I can do this all day.

Q: YOU a damn Lie! That damn picture of Coach Fulmer you put in that thing is wrong and you know it! We know for a fact that Coach Phil is the third largest mammal to walk upright! We know cause we seen it!
That guy from Kansas ain’t nothing but Coach Phil’s mini-me!
Sam and Delores - Peyton Manning Trailer Park, Dunlap, Tennessee
A: I knew that the OBknoxville Zoo named the “new” baby hippopotamus after Coach Fulmer (Which is now called the “Phat-Phil-Opotamus” in case anyone was wondering), But I had no idea that he is now large enough to have his own zip code.
My Mistake.

Thursday we finish up our final installment of the College Football Spring Tour and Friday your favorite Tennessee Vol Fan, Mr Hootie Snitch will wrap up the week.

Only 114 days until Kick-off…..

RTR
MEB

I am proud to report that I have isolated the source of the seismic activity!

Below is an untouched photograph of Coach Mark Mangino of the University of Kansas celebrating another year of beating anorexia by body slamming Phil Fulmer.

It’s time for our next to last installment of our College Football Spring Game Tour.
We have quite a few college football teams to examine along with the latest news from the practice fields, so let’s not waste any more time here.

Only 121 Days until Kick-off…..
Enjoy

LSU: The Reining National Champion Bayou Bengals may have lost some key players due to graduation and the NFL draft, but make no mistake. If Coach Miles can keep his star Quarterback in school and out of jail they will be contending once again for the Southeastern Conference title. Believe it.

TEXAS: New coordinators abound in Austin and quarterback Colt McCoy is healthy, need I say more?
The Longhorns are poised to take the Big 12 for the first time since Saint Vince brought home the National Championship.

OREGON: I don’t care and neither should you.

BEST PLAYER QUOTE OF THE WEEK: Florida State wide receiver Preston Parker and last years MVP for the Seminoles on his recent arrest on weapon and drug charges.
“At least like, I wasn’t tasered, like you know some players.”
EDITORS NOTE: At least you have that going for you.

VIRGINIA TECH: Enter the Sandman….The Hokies are loaded and if they can squeak by Clemson, they will have a shot at the Atlantic Coast Conference Championship.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Coach Carroll decided to make the Trojan spring game “Fun and Interactive” for the players and fans this year by having the players “Bring Your Sports Agent to the Game” which was sponsored by the Lexis Dealers of Southern California and the Reggie Bush Foundation.
SHHHHhhhhhhhhhh don’t tell the NCAA.

PENN STATE: After Jo Pa earned some “street credit” with his young players after a traffic altercation last year, he has dedicated himself to forming a tougher defense than previous seasons.
No word yet on when Jo Pa will release his Rap album.

UCLA: (See Oregon)

OHIO STATE: The Buckeyes were not suppose to even contend for the Big Ten, I mean Eleven title last year much less make a run at the National Championship. This year all the pieces of the elusive puzzle are in place with key players returning at almost every position and remember you heard it hear first……The Buckeyes will make a run at the title. Believe it.

GEORGIA: The Showdown with the Mighty Gators at the “Worlds Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party” may very well decide who will contend for the Southeastern Conference Championship…and beyond.
EDITORS NOTE: You didn’t really think I was going to leave UGA without a…..
HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS!

NEBRASKA: 80,000 Husker Fans “paid” to see the spring game in Lincoln.
The Black Shirts may not be all the way back…but they are getting there in a hurry.

LOUISVILLE: Coach Steve Kragthorpe (Whose last name will be pronounced “Fired” if he doesn’t do a better job coaching than he did last season) spent the majority of the spring football practice teaching the Cardinals how to spell “D-E-F-E-N-S-E”.

COACH’S QUOTE OF THE WEEK: Coach Paul Johnson, Georgia Tech
“What the Hell? I thought I was coaching THE University of Georgia……..O’ God is this ever going to suck.”
EDITORS NOTE: Yes it will coach, it most certainly will.

WEST VIRGINIA: The Mountaineer fans are stocking up on furniture and lighter fluid this off-season in anticipation of another run at the Big East title under a real West Virginia coach.
EDITORS NOTE: I still don’t understand the concept of burning your own furniture after your team wins a game. I support it, but I don’t understand it.

LASALLE & MARIST: I understand both ladies had their hair done and hope to lose some weight this spring and summer and have a better outlook on life for the 2008 season.
Which is nice.

IVY LEAGUE: (Please see UCLA and Oregon)

Later this week Hootie Snitch will return to answer your email questions before we wrap up the College Football Spring Game Tour.

RTR
MEB

This brief tribute is dedicated to a young man who would have been preparing for his senior season in 2008.
Unfortunately due to an injury early in his college career, he will never play football again.

I don’t care what team you are a fan of, you have to admire the grit and determination and be amazed by….
“The Catch”.
So, to answer the question: This young man is the most electrifying player I have seen in a very long time.

More News from Spring Football Next Week…..This should keep you motivated until then.

RTR
MEB

We will break from the usual “Tuesday Email Q&A” with Hootie Snitch to update the Spring Football Games from around the Country.
For those of you that are interested….
Hootie and his cousin Ronnie have both been released from the hospital following Hootie’s failed attempt to perform laser eye surgery on his cousin.
I am sure he will have more to say about this incident later in the week.

We all know the Spring Football Games have become a showcase for the upcoming season, but they have also developed into a fans dream weekend with a number of events, concerts and programs to excite and motivate any college football fan.

The next two weeks I will highlight a number of College Football Spring games and the events surrounding them, including news from the practice fields to keep you all informed and motivated for the upcoming 2008 College Football Season.
Enjoy!

OLE MISS & DUKE: Excitement surrounds both football programs with new coaches on campus, with Houston “I’m a” Nutt at Ole Miss and David “I know the Manning’s” Cutcliffe with the Blue Devils.
The excitement transcended to the spring game as both teams doubled attendance from last years event. Duke had six people attend while Ole Miss had nearly a dozen in the stands.
Attempts to determine if some of the spectators had wandered into the stadiums by accident are as yet to be determined.

BEST QUOTE FROM A SPRING GAME: Cameron Newton, University of Florida.
“I am not competing to be the back-up quarterback. I am competing to be the starting quarterback.”
EDITORS NOTE: Two words for you son: Tim Tebow, Now go take a seat on the bench.

BEST COACH’S QUOTE: Coach Nick Saban, University of Alabama
“I don’t need any show dogs, I need hunting dogs out on the field.”
EDITORS NOTE: Enough said Coach.

TENNESSEE: The annual Orange and White game had a number of “interesting” events surrounding the game itself. My favorite would have to be the “Guess What Coach Fulmer Just Ate” Contest sponsored by Krispy Kreme and Big Orange Bail Bonds.

The winner was Hal “Scooter” Schofield from Winchester Tennessee with his winning guess of a 1979 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme.
EDITORS NOTE: No word yet on the condition of the illegal aliens living inside the vehicle at the time of consumption.

MICHIGAN: Athough the annual “Maze and Blue” game sounds like a time when the Native Americans saved some frozen pilgrims; the arrival of a new coach to campus in Ann Arbor has brought an unusual carnival like atmosphere to the spring game.

Coach Rodriguez or “Coach Rod” as he prefers to be called has instituted a number of what he calls “fun family events” for the Wolverine fans at this years spring game.
In honor of his wife, Coach Rod has the “Pimp your Wife” booth, which will allow Mrs. Rodriguez to give hooker fashion tips to the female attendees.
Prehaps the most popular event will be the “So Sue Me” Q&A with fans when Coach Rod will claim amnesia and other excuses on why he can’t pay West Virginia the 10 Million Dollars he owes them, this event will be sponsored by the Trial Lawyers Association of America.

And on a football note: If you think the Wolverines were bad last year?
You ain’t seen nothing yet…..

EDITORS NOTE: Why would you want to be called “Coach Rod”?
Sounds like the name of a gay porn star.

SOUTHERN MISS: I am still mad as hell that the Southern Miss administration ran Coach Jeff Bowers out of town, so I have nothing to report.

ALABAMA: 78, 200 in attendance for the Spring Game. Enough Said…..

OKLAHOMA & OKLAHOMA STATE: Nothing new to report, OU is BIG, Strong and Fast and will be better than they were last year and Coach Gundy is still a man.

CLEMSON: The Tigers are loaded with a returning quarterback that could start for anybody in the country except Florida. The game with Alabama to start the season will be something to see.

FLORIDA STATE: Great News from Tallahassee!
Last week it was reported that Coach Bobby found the practice field “all by his self”!
Unfortunately Coach Bobby was wearing “Pink Panther” slippers and matching robe while holding a bag of oranges and shouting “Where is MY Monkey!”
Coach Fisher took over practice while Bobby was taken away to “rest”.

More Spring Games to report later in the week.

RTR
MEB

RTR
MEB

I even used my “ace in the hole”: The McMuskrat Sandwich (Come up with that one myself too!)
One of them McDonald’s guys told me that when I said it, it sounded like I had a stutter, so they said “No” to that idea too.
Believe that?
I couldn’t either, so I told them that I thought they were full of McCrap and they could kiss my McButt and I left.

Then come to find out that damn gopher up north lied about the weather, cause it got cold as hell this weekend.
You can’t tell the weather by watching some damn gopher!
Shows you what gophers and yankees know!
But I will tell you a secret, if you ask a squirrel anything after you eat some wild mushrooms, they will tell you a thing or two.

Let’s get to them Questions this week!
What’s his name will be back later in the week with reports from Spring Football games from around the country.

Q: Hootie, just where exactly is Casa Da Hootie?
Earlene - Baneberry, Tennessee
A: Earlene you know damn well where it is! I don’t want to be on “another” episode of “Cops” so you need to honor that restraining order and stay the hell away from me! Plus, I am still mad as hell you broke my Dale Earnhardt commemorative clock!

Q: Mike, what do you think Coach Rodriguez will be able to do with Michigan this year?
Troy - Ann Arbor, Michigan
A: Ain’t he that Coach whose wife looks like a hooker?

Q: Mike, with Chase Daniels coming back for another year, do you think the Missouri Tigers have a shot at the Big 12 Championship?
Tommy - Jefferson City, Missouri
A: If you had a been a reading the column Tommy you would have a known that What’s his Name is still off a fishing in Hiatus Louisiana. But to answer your question, I believe your Cinderella done lost her shoes and she ain’t going to no big dance this year.

Q: Mike, will the Mountaineers of West Virginia build upon last years Bowl victory and contend for the Big East Title? What do you think?
Terry - Morgantown, West Virginia
A: Didn’t yawl use to have that Coach whose wife looks like a hooker?

Q: Mr. Hootie, you are doing an admirable job in place of our “Favorite College Football Prognosticator”, will you continue to make a weekly post once he returns?
George - Fort Walton Beach. Florida
A: I wasn’t in the navy, but thanks for thinking I was an admiral! I will be back next week after some surgery.
I am going to give my cousin Ronnie that laser eye surgey later this week with one of them laser pointers.
I’ll let you all know how it turns out.

More Later!

Hootie - Out!

Q: Hootie, I really enjoyed your update last week!
Is there anyway we can see a picture of you? Are you on “My Space”?
Delores - Oneida, Tennessee
A: I ain’t never been in space, but I have been struck by lightning twice.

Q: Mike, I am representative of a rather large contingent of your Tennessee fans that enjoy your humor and unlike “Mr. Hootie”, can spell and use proper grammar. So with that being said, let me ask you a football question. With nearly a dozen arrests or off the field incidents taking place the past four months at Tennessee, when do you think Coach Fulmer will get a handle on the discipline issue?
Thomas - Nashville, Tennessee
A: Well, Mr. “Spell Good” if you would have been a reading right, you would know that “what’s his name” is off fishing in Hiatus Louisiana and I am answering the questions this week.
So, to answer your question there ain’t no problem with discipline at Tennessee!
Coach Fulmer and discipline go together like pizza and peanut butter.

Q: Hootie, other than filling in for “Our Favorite College Football Pronosticator” are you involved in anything else that we should be aware of?
Donna - Holly Springs, Mississippi
A: Donna, I am what you would call an “Idea Man”. I have come up with one hell of an idea that I will be talking with the MacDonalds folks about next week. You ready for this?
How does the McPossum Sandwich grab you?

Q: Dear sir, once again I implore you to include the Ivy League in your weekly pronostications this season. The Ivy League has one of the proudest traditions in all of collegiate athletics and might I add, the greatest history of compliance with the rules and regulations of amateur athletics set forth by the NCAA.
So, I ask you to please reconsider.
Skip - Cambridge, Massachusetts
A: I didn’t understand a damn thing you wrote.
But I do know that smart ass rich yankee kids don’t know a damn thing about football.

More Later on this week!

Hootie…Out!

I have been getting a lot of attention from a righting in the football column last year and so I want to answer some of my female admirer’s questions this week.
This week is for all you Ladies out there….

To get write to it and answer some of yawl’s questions:
Yes, I am single and do own my very own previously owned doublewide trailer, even got me an above ground swimming pool. I am parked right here in the Big Orange Trailer Park in Baneberry Tennessee.
Pretty Sweet, huh?

To answer the Ladies other questions about myself…..
I am no diffrent than any other Tennessee Vol fan, except of course I am the Number damn One Fan and as the ladies in the trailer park point out to me on a daily bases, I am hotter than a stolen pistol.
I like long walks in the woods, particularly if it involves a snipe hunt….I ain’t caught a snipe yet, but I hear they is good eat’n.
I don’t see nothing wrong with cleaning your toenails in public.
I don’t know what Victoria’s Secret is…But I do know what Earlene’s Secret is and I ain’t tell’n.
I hate people that think wrestlin is fake - cause it ain’t.
I like women that have at least two teeth, preferably in the front. Cause it’s easier to open a beer when they are in the front.
I believe that liquor tastes better if it’s been strained through a car radiator.
My favorite colors are Orange and ORANGE! Hell Yeah!
I don’t believe that Community Service is anything to be ashamed of……
I like a woman that can play Rocky Top with her arm pit. That is just plain sexy.
I believe Coach Fulmer is like Moses, only heavier.
Women with mullets are just classy looking.
I don’t care what the damn police say, I believe that it’s O.K. to shoot a gun off in your own house when those damn cheat’n Gators beat the Vols or anytime somebody mentions anything to do with Alabama.
That includes the damn country music group too.

My favorite vacation place is The International Tow Truck and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum in Chattanooga Tennessee. The gift shop is freaking awesome!
Check it out!
http://www.internationaltowingmuseum.org

Some of you ladies have asked if my cousin Ronnie is on “The Wall of the Fallen” at the Tow Truck and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum.
Hell NO! Ronnie don’t even drive a tow truck! We was down there at the gift shop before Christmas and Ronnie was all liquored up (As Usual) and screwed around and got the back of his britches hung on the tow hook statue at the Wall of the Fallen.
I never seen such a wedgee in my damn life!
By the time we got him down his drawers were big enough to be a car cover.

If you ladies have any more questions, you can right me here, at least until what’s his name gets back from fishing in Hiatus or just come on by the Casa Da Hootie in Baneberry, where it’s always Party Time!

GO VOLS!

Before I depart for a brief hiatus I wanted to leave you all with another story from the
“Here we go again Department” and this is no April Fools.

On the evening of Friday April the 11th, the University of Alabama had planned to have a pep rally before the spring football game in Bryant Denny Stadium involving the football coaches, players and the Million Dollar Marching Band.
This pep rally was to be followed by a live performance (concert) by country music star Alan Jackson.

As you might imagine, this event had been planned for months.
Eighteen months to be precise.

STOP!!!
The NCAA stepped in on Friday 28 March 2008 with “concerns that student-athletes (namely football players) could be potentially used to promote the Alan Jackson Concert.”

The President of MSL Entertainment, Mr. Shawn Garrity, who sponsored the event at the University of Alabama and 16 other university spring football games had this to say concerning the situation.
“The issue over player participation has caused confusion among the schools during this critical window of time in which they had left to properly promote the event. With valuable time being lost awaiting NCAA clarification, we felt it was in the best interest of all parties involved to allow our participating universities and their marketing partners more time to adequately prepare for this event, the largest college football celebration in history.”

The NCAA “spokesperson” responded with the following statement:
“NCAA rules do not allow student-athletes to participate in any promotional activities or appearances for a commercial venture. NCAA rules also do not allow student-athletes to receive free or reduced benefits, such as free concert tickets, that are generally available to the student body. These rules are in place to maintain amateur status of student-athletes.
According to our discussions with MSL Sports Entertainment, the company wanted to use the appearance of football student-athletes as part of the event. In addition, the organizers did not want to require the student-athletes to pay admission to the event.
While it has been stated that the organizers have been planning this event for a year and a half, they did not contact the NCAA to ensure compliance until last week. ”

So football players being introduced on the stage of a concert (without buying a ticket) is a NCAA violation? Even if the event is to promote an event FOR the University?
O.K., so let me understand this…….”NCAA rules also do not allow student-athletes to receive free or reduced benefits, such as free concert tickets, that are generally available to the student body. These rules are in place to maintain amateur status of student-athletes.”

That is kind of funny because I remember Dwayne Jarrett from U$C who lived in a $4500.00 a month apartment in southern California for a year and a half for “free” and the NCAA determined that “Dwayne didn’t know that he had to pay rent” and allowed him to continue his career at U$C.
And who can forget (Other than the PAC 10 and the NCAA) Reggie Bush’s momma and step-fathers rent free mansion and the free plane trips, cars, the clothes, the cars and the clothes. You get the picture.

This is a good time to remind you all that NCAA stands for……..
National Coalition Against Alabama.

“Hootie” Snitch will take over the column until I return.
Stay tuned I understand he has something “for the ladies” later on this week.
Be afraid - be very afraid.

RTR
MEB

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_N4LW3pQpFo

After a number of emails from my beloved fans concerning the latest news from around the country and the college coaching world, I feel it is about time that I address the issue of color in college sports.

I know that many of you feel that this is a touchy subject, and I may even lose a number of fans over this article, but it has to be addressed.

Yes, I am prejudiced.
Call me whatever other names you want, but I am most definitely prejudiced when it comes to peoples color or colors as it may be.

I will always gravitate more to people of my own color because we share the same culture and history.
We may not be related by blood, but we are family of the same color.
The people of my color are my brothers, my sisters, my family.

I admit it; I would rather hire someone of my own color over those of another color.
Why? Because I am more comfortable with people of my own color and quite frankly some people of color I simply don’t want around me.
You all know who I am talking about.

I have no respect for people that aren’t proud of their color or colors as it may be.

I am tolerant of some colors and completely intolerant of others.
Sure, I have friends of other colors, but do I trust them completely? With few exceptions, I don’t trust them as much as people of my own color.

I know that some people hate me because of my color and I don’t care.

Please do not think this feeling is limited to my beloved South.
The folks I have met from Michigan and Ohio are some of the most prejudiced people in the world when it comes to color.
You know it too.
And Honestly, I am O.K. with that.

The bottom line for me when it comes to color is simply this:
If you are not Crimson and White, then you aren’t family.

I hope this helped.

Roll Tide Roll
MEB

That’s funny because I always thought it was called THE Ohio State University.

Note to Self: IF you make people wait an extra month and then have a BIG Ole news conference to announce your decision (Because you are just that damn important) insure you know how to pronounce the name of the college you decided to attend.

As hard as it is to believe….We are still waiting on news (any news) on the NCAA and PAC 10 investigation into Reggie Bush and the University of Southern California.

Let me be the first to offer my help…two words: Map-quest.

Just enter Reggie’s momma’s address (while he was an “amateur” student-athlete) into the appropriate line and BINGO! You have a map to the location!

Then compare the readily available contract from his former sports agent…and Presto!

Glad I could help…and as a side note for the NCAA.
Stop getting your “investigators” from the Aruba Police Department.

Lastly…Evergreen State University..STILL has the most disturbing mascot and fight song in all of collegiate athletics.

You don’t think so?

See for yourself….

http://www.evergreen.edu/athletics/geoduck.htm

RTR

MEB

Where do they get their investigators? Aruba?

RTR

MEB