Hey everybody it’s your ole buddy Hootie Snitch!
The Number Damn One Vol Fan on the planet! Hell, maybe even the universe!

I know you’re a thinking that I am supposed to right something tomorrow, it being Friday and all.
Before you ask I ain’t a bit superstitious about righting on Friday the 13th!
But after that flu bug or whatever done jumped on the website a few weeks ago, I ain’t taken no chances!

Tell you the truth I never knew a damn machine could catch the flu, did you?

Before I get going on this weeks email questions and answers I just got to comment on that picture of young Phil Fulmer Junior I seen in this column a week or so ago.
He’s a good looking boy ain’t he?
You can sure see the donut didn’t fall very far from the box there!
He looks just like Coach Fulmer!

Now that we done got that out of the way let’s get to what I like to call: “Keep’n It Real with Hootie Snitch”
That is catchy as hell ain’t it?

Q: Hootie, you wrote some time ago that you didn’t know “Victoria’s Secret” but did know Earlene’s Secret. Care to share with us what that might be?
Ken - Little Rock, Arkansas
A: She will whip your ass after she gets liquored up but around here that ain’t no secret.

Q: You are like so funny and everything! Like seriously! I really like get a kick out of reading your articles. Do you have an IM account?
Stephanie -Newport Beach, California
A: IM right here at the Ole Casa Da Hootie in Baneberry Tennessee!

Q: Hootie we were wondering if you have invented anything else after the folks at McDonalds decided to pass on your McPossum and McMuskrat sandwich ideas?
Alex -Boone, North Carolina
A: Them folks at McDonalds wouldn’t know a good idea if it reached up and bit em, which that possum I brought for the “display” did to one of them McDonald’s folks.
I sure hope that fella’s stitches come out alright.
But to answer your question Alex, I invented something that is going to make me richer than Ernest Tubb!

Alex what does everybody need during the summertime? Sun Block, am I right?

Well I done invented some Sun Block that the pharmacist assistant down at the Wal-Mart here says must be a SF 4000! I ain’t really sure what the whole SF thing means, but I figured the higher it was the better it is! And it don’t get no higher than “Hooties Miracle Sun Block”!

I will let you in on a little secret Alex, what it actually is….plumber’s putty.
But it works like a damn charm and you can even mold it into a hat if you want too!
Hell, I am wearing a hat made out of it right now!

Q: Hootie, I think you are a “little off” on your latest rant concerning the reining National Champion LSU Tigers and Coach Les Miles. The headlines around the country that you referenced stated……

“DUE TO HIGH GAS PRICES AMERICA IS DRIVING LESS MILES THIS SUMMER”

This means that Americans will be driving LESS miles this summer, understand?
Eddie -Thibodaux, Louisiana
A: I know damn well what it said and you ain’t tricking me into driving your Coach no damn where!

Q: Hootie do you have any plans to see any movies while we wait for the start of the 2008 College Football Season?
Valerie - Stuttgart, Arkansas
A: I am still a waiting on another one of them Ernest movies to hit the screen, but until then I figure we will just watch the video of Uncle Todd’s colonoscopy again.
It’s kind of like watching “Journey to the Center of the Earth.”

Q: My question is this: What kind of team do you think the Chippewa’s will have this year and do you think a real contender will emerge from the Mid-American Conference this year?
Tom - Mount Pleasant, Michigan
A: You making this up? Because this sounds made up to me. I never heard of nothing you just said. What is a Chippewa anyway? Is that like a miniature groundhog?

Q: Do you have any opinions about Yale this year?
Reginald - New Haven, Connecticut
A: Well I yale all the damn time around here, especially when the phone don’t work or the satellite goes out during Jerry Springer.

Q: Hootie as a rabid Tennessee Fan what is the most amazing thing you have ever seen in Neyland Stadium?
Jimmy - Altus, Oklahoma
A: That’s an easy one Jimmy! I was at a game in Neyland stadium two years ago with my partner in crime Scooter Johnson. I don’t remember who we was playing but right before halftime ole Scooter was getting ready to sneeze and when he sneezed Scooter broke wind at the same time and I thought his damn head was going to pop off!

That was without a doubt the most amazing thing I ever seen!

Hootie - Out!

Hey yawl it’s your ole buddy Hootie Snitch the number One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the planet and I am madder than Hell!

Like everybody else I seen on the news and in the papers last week something that just frosted my ass!

At first I couldn’t believe what I was a seeing and then I got together with some other Tennessee fans from the trailer park here and they seen it too!

Hell Fire! It’s on all the local and cable news stations! I even seen the headlines in the Baneberry Tennessee paper! We all seen it and are mad enough to spit!

I can’t believe the nerve of those LSU fans and in particular their damn football coach!

Everybody knows they won the National Championship this past year, but there ain’t no need for some kind of special treatment just cause you all won the title!

And the LSU football Coach is a damn millionare! Why in the hell does he think the rest of us are going to go out of our way and drive to God knows where and do someting for him!

Well I am a asking you all to join me and say we ain’t a going to do it!

You all know what headlines I am a talking about too!

DUE TO HIGH GAS PRICES….
AMERICA IS DRIVING LESS MILES THIS SUMMER

Well by GOD I ain’t driving him nowwhere!

Hootie - Out!

Hey Yawl, it’s me again James “Hootie” Snitch, and as you all should no by now unless you’ve been a living under a damn rock, I am the Number Damn One Tennessee Vol Fan on the Freaking Planet! GO VOLS! What’s his name let’s me right in here once a week, so thing will be fair and balanced.

Before we get into this weeks emails, I guess yawl want me to tell you why I tried to do that laser eye surgery on my cousin Ronnie with one of them laser pointers.

Well, if you ain’t never seen my cousin Ronnie, let me tell you, that boy has got a head like a catfish. His eyes are on the side of his head and they just kind of move around all by themselves, if you know what I mean. Hell, he even has two little whiskers that hang from his lip like a catfish.

So, I figured why not get me one of them laser pointers and hook ole Ronnie up. Couldn’t hurt his looks none.

Anyway, it didn’t work out so well, as you all have heard by now.
But at least it didn’t start no fire like the time we tried to cure momma’s cataracts by sticking her head in the microwave.

I know you wanting some answers to your questions so let’s get to my mail or as I like to call this part “Keep’n it Real with Hootie Snitch” (Thought that up myself, catchy ain’t it?)

Q: Hootie, did you do anything special to celebrate Cinco de Mayo? Just wondering!
Maria - El Paso, Texas
A: What kind of question is that? Why would I celebrate something that means “Pass the Mayo”? Besides we are gettin all geared up for the Big Celebration; Johnny Majors Birthday is the 21st of May!

Q: Sorry to hear about your “accident” Hootie. Did you do anything “interesting” during your recuperation?
Stan - Athens, Georgia
A: Thanks, yeah I took myself a trip, but boy was I ever disappointed.
I heard about this thing in Arkansas called the “Toad Suck” festival, so I headed off down there last weekend, thinking; get myself a t-shirt, suck on a toad or two to catch a buzz, then weave my way back to Casa Da Hootie in Baneberry Tennessee. Wrong.

They didn’t have no Toad Sucking or nothing; it’s a family thing, which kind of ruled out what I had planned. I ain’t kidding neither, see for yourself, their site is right here.
http://www.toadsuck.org/

Q: I have a question for you that I hope you can answer. Tennessee Quarterback Jonathan Crompton recently completed spring training but required extensive elbow surgery following the Orange and White Game. Will he be ready in time to start the season?
Stephen - Cookeville, Tennessee
A: You come to the right place; Nobody knows more about the Vols than Me! I have on good authority that the surgery you was talking about didn’t have nothing to do with his elbow.
I will let you all in on a little secret, you ready? Coach Phil had Jonathan’s throwing arm extended another 12 inches or so and they put an extra thumb on his hand too!
I hear that boy will be able to throw the football a damn MILE!

Q: Dear Sir, some of my classmates and I are planning to make the “road trip” from Northern Illinois University next year on October 4th to watch the Huskies play the Volunteers of Tennessee.
We want to do some cool things while we are in Knoxville and have looked up a number of things online and are wondering if you could answer a question for us.
What happens at a “Tennessee Ho Down”?
Jake - DeKalb, Illinois
A: Some smartass calls 911, the police show up and some innocent man goes to jail.

Q: This question is for Hootie. Will you please explain for me and the other readers how you are related to Coach Phil Fulmer at the University of Tennessee? Thanks.
Gary - Nashville, Tennessee
A: Be glad to Gary. My Daddy’s last name is Snitch, as you probably figured out on your own. My Momma’s last name before she married my daddy was Ratt; like the GREATEST Rock Band that ever lived! Ratt Rocks! So anyway, everybody says that Coach Fulmer is a “Snitch and a Ratt”, at least thats what we heard. So, we is proud that he is our kin, cause every Snitch and Ratt I know are Tennessee Vol fans, thru and thru! Hell Yeah!

Q: You sir sound like an illiterate Neanderthal with your insistant ramblings. I don’t know how you got past the third grade?
Brenda - Gainesville, Florida
A: You damn Gator fans don’t know nothing! You are way off on both counts! For your information I am a Baptist and I got myself a degree in educashon from the University of Tennessee.

Some of yawl have asked who I am supporting in the big political race this year.
I believe the choice is simple.
I am throwing all my support behind the only person qualified for the job.
There is only one choice for Sheriff of Knox County for me!

Hootie - Out!

It’s me again Hootie Snitch!
I am sorry I didn’t get back with yawl after last Tuesday….
But Ole Hootie done had himself a rough week.
First, them folks from McDonalds changed their minds and wanted me to pitch my idea to them on Friday. You ain’t going to believe it….
But they said my McPossum Sandwich only had “regional appeal”!
When I asked them “what region?”, they just giggled and said never mind.

I even used my “ace in the hole”: The McMuskrat Sandwich (Come up with that one myself too!)
One of them McDonald’s guys told me that when I said it, it sounded like I had a stutter, so they said “No” to that idea too.
Believe that?
I couldn’t either, so I told them that I thought they were full of McCrap and they could kiss my McButt and I left.

Then come to find out that damn gopher up north lied about the weather, cause it got cold as hell this weekend.
You can’t tell the weather by watching some damn gopher!
Shows you what gophers and yankees know!
But I will tell you a secret, if you ask a squirrel anything after you eat some wild mushrooms, they will tell you a thing or two.

Let’s get to them Questions this week!
What’s his name will be back later in the week with reports from Spring Football games from around the country.

Q: Hootie, just where exactly is Casa Da Hootie?
Earlene - Baneberry, Tennessee
A: Earlene you know damn well where it is! I don’t want to be on “another” episode of “Cops” so you need to honor that restraining order and stay the hell away from me! Plus, I am still mad as hell you broke my Dale Earnhardt commemorative clock!

Q: Mike, what do you think Coach Rodriguez will be able to do with Michigan this year?
Troy - Ann Arbor, Michigan
A: Ain’t he that Coach whose wife looks like a hooker?

Q: Mike, with Chase Daniels coming back for another year, do you think the Missouri Tigers have a shot at the Big 12 Championship?
Tommy - Jefferson City, Missouri
A: If you had a been a reading the column Tommy you would have a known that What’s his Name is still off a fishing in Hiatus Louisiana. But to answer your question, I believe your Cinderella done lost her shoes and she ain’t going to no big dance this year.

Q: Mike, will the Mountaineers of West Virginia build upon last years Bowl victory and contend for the Big East Title? What do you think?
Terry - Morgantown, West Virginia
A: Didn’t yawl use to have that Coach whose wife looks like a hooker?

Q: Mr. Hootie, you are doing an admirable job in place of our “Favorite College Football Prognosticator”, will you continue to make a weekly post once he returns?
George - Fort Walton Beach. Florida
A: I wasn’t in the navy, but thanks for thinking I was an admiral! I will be back next week after some surgery.
I am going to give my cousin Ronnie that laser eye surgey later this week with one of them laser pointers.
I’ll let you all know how it turns out.

More Later!

Hootie - Out!

Hey Everybody!
It’s your good buddy Hootie Snitch!
Hope you ladies enjoyed last week’s update about myself!
Kind of got you going, didn’t it?
This week we are going to answer a few of your emails.

Q: Hootie, I really enjoyed your update last week!
Is there anyway we can see a picture of you? Are you on “My Space”?
Delores - Oneida, Tennessee
A: I ain’t never been in space, but I have been struck by lightning twice.

Q: Mike, I am representative of a rather large contingent of your Tennessee fans that enjoy your humor and unlike “Mr. Hootie”, can spell and use proper grammar. So with that being said, let me ask you a football question. With nearly a dozen arrests or off the field incidents taking place the past four months at Tennessee, when do you think Coach Fulmer will get a handle on the discipline issue?
Thomas - Nashville, Tennessee
A: Well, Mr. “Spell Good” if you would have been a reading right, you would know that “what’s his name” is off fishing in Hiatus Louisiana and I am answering the questions this week.
So, to answer your question there ain’t no problem with discipline at Tennessee!
Coach Fulmer and discipline go together like pizza and peanut butter.

Q: Hootie, other than filling in for “Our Favorite College Football Pronosticator” are you involved in anything else that we should be aware of?
Donna - Holly Springs, Mississippi
A: Donna, I am what you would call an “Idea Man”. I have come up with one hell of an idea that I will be talking with the MacDonalds folks about next week. You ready for this?
How does the McPossum Sandwich grab you?

Q: Dear sir, once again I implore you to include the Ivy League in your weekly pronostications this season. The Ivy League has one of the proudest traditions in all of collegiate athletics and might I add, the greatest history of compliance with the rules and regulations of amateur athletics set forth by the NCAA.
So, I ask you to please reconsider.
Skip - Cambridge, Massachusetts
A: I didn’t understand a damn thing you wrote.
But I do know that smart ass rich yankee kids don’t know a damn thing about football.

More Later on this week!

Hootie…Out!

Hey Everybody!
It’s me again, Hootie Snitch!
As you no by now I am only the Number One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet!
That guy that rights this column is on what he called a “Hiatus”, which I think is a town in Louisianna.
I bet he is down there a fishing.
So I am a going to keep you all updated until he gets back.

I have been getting a lot of attention from a righting in the football column last year and so I want to answer some of my female admirer’s questions this week.
This week is for all you Ladies out there….

To get write to it and answer some of yawl’s questions:
Yes, I am single and do own my very own previously owned doublewide trailer, even got me an above ground swimming pool. I am parked right here in the Big Orange Trailer Park in Baneberry Tennessee.
Pretty Sweet, huh?

To answer the Ladies other questions about myself…..
I am no diffrent than any other Tennessee Vol fan, except of course I am the Number damn One Fan and as the ladies in the trailer park point out to me on a daily bases, I am hotter than a stolen pistol.
I like long walks in the woods, particularly if it involves a snipe hunt….I ain’t caught a snipe yet, but I hear they is good eat’n.
I don’t see nothing wrong with cleaning your toenails in public.
I don’t know what Victoria’s Secret is…But I do know what Earlene’s Secret is and I ain’t tell’n.
I hate people that think wrestlin is fake - cause it ain’t.
I like women that have at least two teeth, preferably in the front. Cause it’s easier to open a beer when they are in the front.
I believe that liquor tastes better if it’s been strained through a car radiator.
My favorite colors are Orange and ORANGE! Hell Yeah!
I don’t believe that Community Service is anything to be ashamed of……
I like a woman that can play Rocky Top with her arm pit. That is just plain sexy.
I believe Coach Fulmer is like Moses, only heavier.
Women with mullets are just classy looking.
I don’t care what the damn police say, I believe that it’s O.K. to shoot a gun off in your own house when those damn cheat’n Gators beat the Vols or anytime somebody mentions anything to do with Alabama.
That includes the damn country music group too.

My favorite vacation place is The International Tow Truck and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum in Chattanooga Tennessee. The gift shop is freaking awesome!
Check it out!
http://www.internationaltowingmuseum.org

Some of you ladies have asked if my cousin Ronnie is on “The Wall of the Fallen” at the Tow Truck and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum.
Hell NO! Ronnie don’t even drive a tow truck! We was down there at the gift shop before Christmas and Ronnie was all liquored up (As Usual) and screwed around and got the back of his britches hung on the tow hook statue at the Wall of the Fallen.
I never seen such a wedgee in my damn life!
By the time we got him down his drawers were big enough to be a car cover.

If you ladies have any more questions, you can right me here, at least until what’s his name gets back from fishing in Hiatus or just come on by the Casa Da Hootie in Baneberry, where it’s always Party Time!

GO VOLS!