Hey Yawl! It’s Hootie Snitch, the Number One Tennessee Vol Fan on the Planet!

Some people call me the Miley Cyrus of College Football, but I like to think of myself as a “Superstar” Fan! Know what I mean?

Kickoff is right around the corner and you know what that means?

That’s right! I am a getting my mullet dyed Orange!
I am going to rock the Peyton Manning Trailer Park here in Baneberry Tennessee!

Now before we talk about some football, I got a little something for the “Ladies” out there…

Something must be wrong with my mail, cause I ain’t got any fan mail since Earlene got arrested, but I know yawl has been wanting to see a picture of your boy Hootie, am I right?

Now, I ain’t going to be responsible for no divorces or messy breakups, so look at my picture at your own risk ladies. I don’t want yawl too lathered up and have some jealous husband or boyfriend coming after ole Hootie.

I am hotter than a stolen pistol, ain’t I?

Now to my Football Picks of the Year….
This is easy….
I want to say it right here, the Vols will be undefeated this year and win the Southeastern Conference, the National Championship, and Coach Phil Fulmer will be “America’s Next Top Model”.

You don’t think so?
You ever seen Coach Phil in one of them Speedos?
Enough said.

Enjoy your Sunday

Hootie - Out!

P.S If any of you ladies are interested I am right here at the Casa De Hootie in the Peyton Manning Trailer Park in Baneberry Tennessee. Just look for the plastic Santa Claus painted up like Phil Fulmer next the 1982 Chevy Camaro on blocks and you is there!

Ladies and Gentlemen -

With little more than a week away from the opening kickoff of our 2008 College Football Season, it got me thinking about our passion for our teams, our colors, our players and our legends of the Fall.

The passion we share for this sport often transcends other thoughts and emotions.

The Love for our school and team runs deep and so does our hatred for our rivals.

I know graduates of the University of Montana that will not stop for gas (or anything else for that matter) in Bozeman because it is the home of the Montana State Bobcats. Which I was told sucks.

I have met Missouri Tiger Fans that will drive an extra 100 miles, just so they don’t have to go through Kansas on the way to Nebraska.

According to the Missouri Tiger Fan: “Kansas is known as the Sunflower State.
There are three kinds of Sun in Kansas. Sunflowers…Sunshine…and Sons of Bi#@&*!

Our passion begins at birth and does not end with death.

This past year Lady Bird Johnson passed away near Austin Texas.

Please notice the Priests giving the “sign” in the below video……..

WARNING: If you are a Texas A&M Aggie or an Oklahoma Sooner; please skip the video and continue reading.

 That my friends….is Passion.

Enjoy Your Update!

 

TEAM NEWS

CINCINNATI: This past week BearKat quarterback Ben Mauk filed a lawsuit against the NCAA after the “organization” rejected the young mans final appeal for another year of eligibility.

The same day the lawsuit was filed, Hardin County Judge William Hart, in Mauk’s home area of Kenton, Ohio, granted a temporary restraining order that says the NCAA cannot prevent him from practicing with the BearKats.

The judge set an Aug. 22 hearing on Mauk’s request for a permanent injunction against the NCAA.

Mauk came back from career-threatening injuries to lead Cincinnati last year to a No. 17 ranking in the final poll. He passed for 31 touchdowns and 3,121 yards even though his right arm and shoulder were still in pain.

Mauk broke the arm and separated the shoulder in Wake Forest’s season opener in 2006, then transferred to Cincinnati.

He appealed to the NCAA for an extra year of eligibility because of the injuries, but was turned down.
A second appeal claiming he redshirted his freshman year at Wake Forest in part because of different injuries also was rejected.

Mauk then went to the NCAA’s reinstatement committee, which ruled last week there wasn’t enough medical documentation to support his claim that he missed his freshman year because of injury.
His lawsuit says it’s not his fault that files weren’t maintained.

The NCAA was disappointed by the ruling, a spokesman said:

“We look forward to explaining more fully our reasons for the decision and the careful review given not only by our staff but also by representatives from our member schools” spokesman Erik Christianson said in a statement.

Additionally the NCAA is threatening the University of Cincinnati with forfeiting their season if Ben Mauk even takes to the practice field.

EDITORS NOTE: Soooooo “other” member schools have a say-so in the rules and who is eligibile and who isn’t? Really? That is what I like to refer to as “A Damn Lie.”

NCAA: Don’t you all have something more important to do than screw with a quarterback in Cincinnati, like say for example….FINISH the INVESTIGATION into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?

FLORIDA STATE: Florida State defensive end Markus White returned to practice Friday, a day after suffering a seizure. FSU officals said that White takes medication to control an undisclosed medical condition and that Thursday was not the first time he had a seizure.

When Coach Bobby was asked if White should be playing under the circumstances, he replied; “Now listen, I have discussed this before and I still believe that you shouldn’t discriminate against anyone because of their skin color. I think there is a place on this team for Whites, Blacks, Hispanics and Lord what I would give to have an Asian Kicker, like that Polish kid we had a few years ago.”

EDITORS NOTE: If you look up “Dementia” in the 2008 Websters Dictionary, it says “See Bobby Bowden.”

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: It seems the Trojans have suffered a “rash” of injuries lately.
According to the Los Angeles Times over 25% of the Trojan team has been affected by Jock Itch.

Coach Pete Carroll told the Times that “he has never seen anything like the current outbreak” and is pointing the finger at the new compression shorts the team is wearing underneath their football pants.

EDITORS NOTE: Every other football team in America is wearing the new shorts and nobody has the same problem as the Trojans. Couldn’t be the Pink Thongs your team is wearing at practice? Right Coach?
(Please see the August 6th Update on your College Football Wizard)
No word yet on the status of the players affected or Coach Carroll’s yeast infection.

NOTRE DAME: Early last week Notre Dame Officals reported that Head Coach Charlie Weis had lost over 100 pounds during the off-season. Unfortunately Coach Charlie “turned around” and found it on Friday.

OLYMPICS: The Folks at NBC want you to believe that “The World is Coming to China” for the Olympic games. Really? So where is the Antarctica Beach Volleyball Team? My Point exactly….

 

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: STOP saying that Coach Rod’s wife is a ten dollar Hooker! She IS NOT a TEN DOLLAR Hooker! Got it!
Anonymous - Ann Arbor, Michigan

A: Coach, I mean “anonymous”… I never said your wife was a ten dollar hooker.
I said your wife “looks” like a ten dollar hooker, acts like a ten dollar hooker and talks like a ten dollar hooker. Hope that cleared up any misunderstanding.

Q: Mike, it’s that time of year again, so I have to ask…What’s the difference between a Georgia Tech Cheerleader and a Pig?
P.S. How Bout them Dawgs!
Stan - Athens, Georgia

A: Stan, I would have to say about 25 pounds, a bad case of acne and Black and Gold painted toenails.

Q: Dear Sir: I am one of the Metaphysical Psychics hired by the University of Southern California Trojan football team to assist with the players delicate psychological balance.
Please desist with your negative comments concerning the Trojans, it is hurtful to the players.
Thank you.
Dr. Quan - Los Angeles, California

A: Wow, so you are a “mind reader”? Do you know what I am thinking right now?
If you guessed “The Trojans Suck”, you are right!

Q: Hey Mike! Could you tell me where I can find lingerie for a pig?
It’s not for me, honest! It’s for a friend.
Scooter - Lenoir City, Tennessee

A: I would suggest checking at Fredericks of Obknoxville.  

 

Only 12 Days until Kickoff……

Your College Football Picks for the first games of the season will be posted next weekend.

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

Welcome Back to Part II of Your College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza!

We have a lot to discuss with this week’s Email Questions and Answers and the all important Pronostications of the Conference Championships.

So let’s get to it.

Enjoy Your Picks!

Email Questions and Answers

Q: Hey There! I like to read your column and me and my wife was wondering with all your popularity if you was looking for anybody to advertise on your site?
The reason I ask, is because my wife (Blossem) and I have come up with a dandy idea!
Everybody is trying to eat healthy now a days, am I right?
People want to eat stuff that is “all natural”.

So what could be more natural and healthy than Possum Milk and Possum Cheese?

If you is interested in having Blossem’s Possum Milk or Blossem’s Possum Cheese as a sponsor, just let us know.

It’s good and good for you (That’s what we a going to put on the package)

Bobcat and Blossem - Winchester, Tennessee

A: You two are Tennessee Volunteer Fans, right?
Now, it all makes sense….

Q: Mike, I have a question that I hope you can help me with. I am a Kansas Jayhawk Fan (Go Jayhawks!) and we had several players leave the football team last year, but yet never heard if they graduated or were drafted by the NFL. Do you know what happened to the players that left the Jayhawks last year?
Thanks!
Chuck - Lawrence, Kansas

A: I know exactly what happened to the players from last years Jayhawks Team.
Coach Mangino ate them….sorry.

Q: Hello! I am 98 years young and I have been raising parrots for the past 14 years and breed them, nurture them and feed them worms. They keep me company and perform fancy tricks on tiny trampolines and chirp catchy, feel-good tunes all the day long. For Halloween last year I dressed them up as the characters of the TV show “the A-Team”. Tooty got to be Mr. T, he looked just like him. I just wish I could have gotten him to say, “I pity the Fool!”
I almost forgot what I was going to ask you!
How do you think the Seminoles are going to do this year? I wonder if Tooty could play Quarterback?

Bobby B. - Tallahassee, Florida

A: Coach, I think it’s about time for your nap.

Q: Listen Dung Breath, NO jokes this year about your sister-in-law! She does not have Horns! Those are calcium deposits! Also NOBODY wants to hear or read about her excessive body hair, the hump on her back or that one foot that looks like a hoof! I am sure that she has a wonderful personality and is very popular!
Anonymous - Pikeville, Kentucky

A: Did you like the Dehorning Paste I sent you for your Birthday?
No need to Thank me…

 

CONTENDERS and PRETENDERS PART II

Due to time constraints I was unable to finish the “Pretenders” and “Contenders” section of the 2008 College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza yesterday.

Enjoy….

PRETENDERS PART II

DUKE: The Blue Devils are to football what Siegfried and Roy are to Heterosexuality.

TEMPLE: See above and substitute “Owls” for Blue Devils.

KANSAS: I have good news and some bad news.
The Good News is that Coach Mark Mangino has beaten anorexia! Yes!
The bad news is that by the end of the year the Jayhawks will only be in contention for a bid to the Vienna Sausage Bowl in Conway Arkansas. I would look at this as a “win”-”win”.

UTAH: I cannot in good conscience pull for any team that considers “Milk” an acceptable Tailgate Beverage.

OREGON: You have the most butt ugly uniforms of any sport at anytime in any country.
Your mascot looks like a gay Mr. Peanut…..
Your marching band uniforms looked like they were designed by a colored blind cyclops…
You refer to your offense as the “Quack Attack”….
And you wonder why I make fun of you?

WASHINGTON: I really wish the Mighty Huskies would return to Championship form…
Because I still miss Coach James.

CALIFORNIA (anything): How can I put this gently?
You suck. How’s that?

 

CONTENDERS PART II

ARIZONA STATE: The Sun Devils WILL compete for the PAC 10 title…Believe it.

WISCONSIN: Never underestimate the power of Cheese.
The game with the Mighty Buckeyes in Madison on October 4th will decide the conference title.

MIAMI: The Hurricanes will not contend for the Conference Championship this year, but they might ruin the Hokies chances when they meet on November 13th.

PENN STATE: Jo Pa will not win the Big Eleven…I mean “Ten” Title this year, but he will most certainly be a contender.

OREGON STATE: Coach Riley is a Bama Boy and that’s good enough for me.

ALABAMA: Because I said so….

 

CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS

THE BIG TEN…I mean ELEVEN

Despite the fact The Ohio State Buckeyes have Southern California, Wisconsin and Michigan State on the road this season, I believe this is a team on a mission.

The Ohio State Buckeyes WILL be Conference Champions this year.

THE BIG 12

The Missouri Tigers lead by Chase Daniels will most certainly win the Big 12 North, but don’t count out the Nebraska Cornhuskers. Coach Bo will have the Black Shirts ready to play. Believe it.

The Oklahoma Sooners “should” win the Big 12 South….
But Do Not underestimate the Red Raiders of Texas Tech.
They have one of the best quarterbacks in the nation that you never heard of in Graham Harrell.
Fortunately the Sooners have the Red Raiders in Norman this year on November 22nd.

But one slip by the Mighty Sooners…..

My Pick?

The Big 12 Champion will be the Oklahoma Sooners…

THE ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE

The Clemson Tigers have some of the very best fans in the country that wrote the book on tailgating (Trust me on this one) and a favorable schedule to make a run for the title.

But they will have to play back to back road games at Boston College (November 1st) and at Florida State (November 8th). One late season banana peel and they will find themselves trailing the pack.

My Pick?

The Tigers WILL win the Atlantic Division…..

The Virginia Tech Hokies “should” win the Coastal Division of the Conference, but will not have enough horsepower to overcome the Mighty Tigers of Clemson.

Clemson Tigers 2008 ACC Conference Champions. Believe it.

THE SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE

WARNING: If you are prone to fits of anger or have a weak heart do not read any further.

The Georgia Bulldogs will NOT win the Southeastern Conference title or the Eastern Division.

As much as it pains me to say this. The Dawgs are undisciplined.

And to make matters worse….

The Dawgs have THE toughest schedule in the nation.
AT South Carolina
AT Arizona State
Alabama
Tennessee
AT LSU
Florida at Jacksonville
AT Auburn

The Mighty Florida Gators WILL win the Eastern Division of the Conference.
Why?
Two words for you…Tim Tebow.
Enough said.

The Team that will represent the Western Division of the Conference in Atlanta will be decided when LSU travels to Auburn on September 20th.

My Pick?
The Auburn Tigers

Florida Gators and Auburn Tigers in Atlanta for the Conference Championship.

The 2008 Southeastern Conference Champions will be the Florida Gators

CONFERENCE USA

Look for the Golden Eagles of Southern Miss to win the Eastern Division of the Conference with the Thundering Herd of Marshall hot on their heels.

The Western Division will be decided when the Houston Cougars and the Tulsa Golden Hurricanes meet in Texas on November 15th.

My Pick?
The Houston Cougars will win the Division and the Conference Title.

EDITORS NOTE: I still think the name “Golden Hurricanes” sounds dirty.

THE BIG EAST

This one will be easy….

Light those Couches!

The West Virginia Mountaineers will win it all in the Big East.

PAC 10

I really don’t care and neither should you, but if I have to pick a team….

The Arizona State Sun Devils will win the PAC 10 Conference Tilte this year.

EDITORS NOTE: You can’t stop a man from dreaming…..

The MAC, YAC, Paddy WAC Give my dog a bone Conferences…..to include “Independents”.

Does it really matter?

No it doesn’t.

 

Only 18 Days until Kickoff……

Your College Football Picks for the first games of the season will be posted….soon.

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

When I make a mistake I am willing to admit it.

In past articles I have described former coach and current ESPN college football analyst Lou Holtz as a 145 pound Tom Turkey.

However, this is not entirely true.

He is also an actor. Who knew?

I have on good authority that Lou Holtz will be “starring” as “Granny” in a remake of the classic Television Series “The Beverly Hillbillies”.

No word yet on what the producers plan on doing about Lou’s gobbling and spitting….

Part II of your College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza will be out later this afternoon.

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

I have good news to report. 
Not only is “Dog The Bounty Hunter” back on the air, but we are only 19 days away from the opening kickoff of the 2008 College Football Season.
And you all know what that means…..it is time for your College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza.

I know that it may be difficult for many of you to concentrate on the upcoming College Football Season with the latest news of the week.
Much like you I was shocked by what I heard.
Please, do not worry.
Even though Russia was reported to have invaded Georgia, I can assure you all they will never make it past Valdosta.
Those Georgia Boys will whip their ass.

Enjoy Your Picks!

Pre-Season Observations and Pronostications

ESPN: The College Football Crew of ESPN College Gameday will continue to ignore the Reggie Bush- Southern California Trojan scandal because the network has too much money invested in showing PAC-10 Football games.

ESPN Part II: As a side note, how about showing the College Marching Bands at Halftime?
You can run the scores at the bottom of the screen because most of us can READ.
We (The College Football Fans) do not need three or four talking heads in the “studio” to tell us what we already know.

College Football Announcers and Commentators

Sometime during the 2008 College Football Season we will tune into “our” game and find one of the below individuals that suffers from chronic diarrea of the mouth “announcing” the game.
My suggestion?
Hit the mute button.

Lou Holtz: As I reported last year; The “One Time” Coach that has left every single university team in his career under NCAA Investigation is not a human being at all, but a 145 pound Tom Turkey.
Why do we need to hear him gobble and spit for an hour in the studio before kickoff? 
My point exactly.

Mark “Milk Dud Head” May: I am guessing his Resume says he is a “Master of the Obvious”. 
If my team is down by two touchdowns at half time, I REALLY don’t need to hear Milk Dud Head say, “They need to score more points if they expect to win this game.” 
Really? You figured that out all by yourself? Thanks Rain Man.

Bret Musburger: If you look up “Gibbering Jackass” in Websters Dictionary, it says; “See Bret Musburger.”

Vern Lundquist: Most of the time this syphilitic old Troll doesn’t even know which sport he is announcing. Here is a hint: Golf and Basketball metaphors don’t have ANY place in College Football.
Dumbass.

Dan Foust: You put the “Dumb” in “Ass”. Congratulations.

Bob Griese: See Above

Pam Ward: See “Dan Foust” Above

Archie Manning: Do you know how to tell when Archie is saying something stupid?
His lips are moving.

Whoa Nelly! Where is the Great Keith Jackson when you really need him?

SOUTHERN CAL: The Trojans will continue to be the Darlings of media, that is until they line up against the Mighty Buckeyes of Ohio State on 13 September. Then the excuses will begin….

MICHIGAN: The Wolverines will start out the year 1and 4 this year. Believe it.

EDITORS NOTE: Wolverine Fans, look at the bright side:
You have the only college football coach in the nation who’s wife dresses like a ten dollar hooker.

MISSISSIPPI STATE: Coach Croom proved he can Coach and Motivate; expect more of the same this year. To include another Bowl game.

I still think Auburn’s mascot “aubie” looks like that cat on a bag of Cheetos.

IOWA: Unfortunately the “Hawkeyes” passed on the sponsorship of a major fried chicken franchise and a mascot name change to “Popeyes” due to ongoing litigation by Olive Oil and Brutus.

INDIANA: Also in mascot news; the “Hoosiers” have passed on a wonderful sponsorship opportunity by a Nationally known “Wing” Restaurant and will not rename their team the “Hooters”.

EDITORS NOTE: The Hoosiers are however still negotiating with the FOX Network on a limited sponsorship with a popular television program and renaming their them the “Homers”.

I still think Terry Bowden looks like a shaved Groundhog.

NEBRASKA: Big Red isn’t all the way back, but Coach Bo will get them there sooner than you think.

TENNESSEE: It was reported last week in the Nashville Tennessean that the University of Tennessee leads the nation with the largest athletic recruiting budget spending more than 2 Million dollars a year in private and public air transportation, rental cars and lodging.

Two Million Dollars A Year? Really?

Over a Million More than Notre Dame, Texas and Ohio State? Wow…..

EDITORS NOTE: Just because the University of Tennessee is the ONLY College or University in the country with a convicted felon on their board of directors is no reason to think anything is wrong.
I mean, just because he was convicted in Federal Court for embezzlement is no reason to worry.
After all, he isn’t like the last university President that charged the university over $180, 000 dollars per home game for “entertainment”, right? How much money did he “misappropriate”? Ten Million Dollars?

You Volunteer fans enjoy that 26% tution hike this year. I am sure your money is being well spent.

COLLEGE REFEREES
Despite a valiant effort by the PAC 10 Officials last year in screwing a number of teams out of wins, they will have to bring their Coke Bottle Glasses and Seeing Eyed Dogs to beat the Master of Disaster when it comes missed calls and determining the outcome of games.
I am talking of course, of the Southeastern Conferences own Penn Wagers.
That guy could screw up a two car parade.

This year a team from the Eastern Middle Western Northern Southern Conference will claim they should get a shot at the Championship because they beat a Taxidermy School from North Carolina.

This year I will still wonder who is actually on the BCS Committee.
Currently, I believe the committee is comprized of a group of chimpanzees on crack that make their respective decisions with the use of a dart board.

This year the Ivy League will still suck.

West Point: See above

OLYMPICS: If I hear one more time that Wong Chang Woo enjoys watching reruns of “Friends” and playing “Clue” my head is going to explode.

CONTENDERS and PRETENDERS

PRETENDERS

IOWA: The Hawkeyes must have worked really hard to arrange a schedule were they didn’t have to play ANYBODY of note in their Conference this year. No Michigan or Ohio State, just dates with Wisconsin and Penn State to round out a schedule dominated by cream puffs.

TEXAS A&M: Coach Sherman doesn’t even know the names of his players, do you think he is ready for the Big 12? The answer my friends is, no he isn’t.

EDITORS NOTE: For reasons that I don’t need to go into here, I can’t in good conscience pull for any Coach Named “Sherman.”

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Shouldn’t you all be on NCAA Probation by now? Just wondering….

ARKANSAS: The Mighty Razorbacks are a young team with a new coach.
They are two or three years away from the Southeastern Conference Championship game.

FLORIDA STATE: Due to recent restrictions in the Florida Parole system, the Seminoles will be unable to field a championship caliber team. There, I said it.

EDITORS NOTE: The fact that Coach Bobby can’t dress himself or remember what year it is should have no impact on his play calling. Which is nice…

LOUISVILLE: No Defense, means No Conference Championship. Period.

NOTRE DAME: You might beat Navy this year, but you all are a long way away from winning anything that really matters. Might I suggest scheduling the School that Re-Treads Tires and the Vietnamese Nail Salon in Lake Charles. Wait, Florida State has already scheduled those schools, sorry.

MICHIGAN: The Wolverines are in for a long season….a really long season.

COLORADO: Despite the fact my sister-in-law doubles as “Ralphie” the Buffalo Mascot at most home games, the Mile High team will fall flat early this year. Believe it.

EDITORS NOTE: Please, no emails about “How mean I am to my sister-in-law” about her being the Colorado mascot. We are just thankful she is working….

CONTENDERS

TEXAS TECH: The Red Raiders will be the Team to beat in the Big 12.
Remember you heard it here first. Get Those Guns Up Red Raiders!

TEXAS: Never Count out the Longhorns and Colt McCoy.
If they get by the Red Raiders and survive the Red River Shoot out, they will have a shot at the Big Time.

OKLAHOMA: This year the Mighty Sooners WILL be in the Big 12 Championship game….Believe it.

MISSOURI: The Tigers have Chase Daniel and the right surrounding cast to win the Big 12, but will they make it to the “Big” Championship Game?

CLEMSON: Tommy’s Tigers are Loaded and have a favorable schedule to win the Atlantic Coast Conference Championship, but can they overcome a history of late season stumbles?

VIRGINIA TECH: NEVER count out Coach Beamer and the Mighty Hokies.

OHIO STATE: The Buckeyes should win the Big Eleven..I mean Ten Championship. But they have to get by the Badgers on October 4th to earn it.

WEST VIRGINIA: Will the couches light the Morgantown sky this year?
Talk to me after Auburn comes to town on October 23rd.

LSU: The Bayou Bengals are a legitimate contender for the Southeastern Conference Championship if and thats a BIG if, they get through the brutal Conference schedule.

GEORGIA: If the Dawgs get through their schedule without getting bruised up they should and will be Number One. Period.

AUBURN: These Tigers are poised to ruin everybodies parade in the Southeastern Conference.
They ARE Contenders. Believe it.

FLORIDA: The Mighty Gators are my pick to win the BCS Championship.
Why? You will have to read Part II Tomorrow of the Pre-Season Extravaganza to find out.
Your Favorite College Football Pronosticators Conference Championships and Email Questions and Answers will be included too. So look for Part II Sunday Afternoon.

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

A mid-week report before we roll into the Preseason College Football Extravaganza this Weekend.

Many of you may think that I am too critical of the Southern California Trojans.

Alot of you think I should let go of the whole NCAA, Reggie Bush Investigation.

Some of you may even think that I paint the fans of all things California as something “less than normal”.

I have always believed that pictures often speak louder than words, don’t you?

Below is a photograph of “Star” Linebacker Rey Maualuga of the Trojans at a recent practice in his pink thong.

He said, “it made him feel pretty.”

The only thing worse than this would be a picture of Kenny Chesney at a Corndog eating Contest.

EDITORS NOTE: Sorry for the visual.

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

Until I leave in another couple of months I will be providing your picks and pronostications on the weekend.

Next weekend, in preparation for the opening kickoff to our beloved College Football 2008 Season, I will provide you the “College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza” with Conference and Championship Picks and pronostications. No need to thank me, your adulation embarrasses me.

This weekend we have reports from a variety of teams and conferences and a sample of the oddest collection of emails I have ever received. So let’s get to it.

FLORIDA STATE: As reported early in the week, Coach Bobby Bowden was said to have found the restroom “All By Himself”. Unfortunately Coach Bobby relieved himself in the sink and was reported to have been screaming at the hand drier “Hey Everybody! It’s a Jet Engine!” It’s sad really.

OKLAHOMA: This week Coach Bob Stoops dismissed one of the most highly touted freshman wide receivers in the country before he ever arrived in Norman.

Josh Jarboe of Decatur Georgia was sent “packing” after he posted an obscenity laced rap video on YouTube that referenced shooting people and then proceeded to follow up that stroke of genius by being arrested on the Campus of his High School for carrying a gun.

No word yet on when Bobby Bowden or Phil Fulmer will offer him a scholarship.

EDITORS NOTE: You are thinking it, so I will say it. That kid is a dumbass.

MICHIGAN: Last week Coach Rod’s wife shows up at a Wolverine Alumni gathering dressed like a ten dollar hooker and Vh1 announced that “Rock of Love III with Bret Michaels is currently being cast.”

Coincidence? I think not.

TENNESSEE: During the Southeastern Conference media days Coach Phil Fulmer was served with a subpoena to give a deposition in the case against disassociated boosters relating to the NCAA investigation of the University of Alabama.

Why is this important? For starters; Fat Phil and his “personal” attorney Jeff Hagood stated in 2003 that Phil Fumer would give a deposition in the case “as soon as the Coach’s schedule allowed.” Coach Phil then proceded to skip the 2004 Southeastern Conference Media days to avoid being served in the case and attempted to pass the $10,000 dollar fine for skipping the conference off to the University.

To make matters even more comical, if that’s possible, Coach Phil tried to claim that he wasn’t “served” at the recent conference media days, that he was “only signing an autograph.”

What are you? Stupid or just illiterate?

EDITORS NOTE: Much like you, I would believe that Coach Phil was “really” that busy for the last five years if Knoxville had a 24 hour Krispy Kreme, but they don’t.

WEST VIRGINIA: At the recent Big East Conference Media days Mountaineer Quarterback Pat White decided that he didn’t want to talk about West Virginia’s chances to win the Conference Championship or discuss the latest Bowl win in 2007. Instead, Pat White thought this would be a good time to claim the West Virginia Mountaineer BASEBALL team was racist because (In his opinion) they didn’t have enough black baseball players on the team.

Wait, aren’t you the quarterback of the Football team?
I have a novel idea; at the Big East Football Media Days why don’t you talk about FOOTBALL?

EDITORS NOTE: If anyone out there REALLY believes that a coach of a Major University Sports program wouldn’t want the best athletes on the field to win regardless of their color, religion or shoe size, then let me be the first to tell you. Congratulations; You are a dumbass.

LSU: Recently at a Fightn’ Tiger Alumni function Coach Miles made some unflattering remarks and jokes about the University of Alabama. Why Coach? Is the National Championship not enough for you?

Let me be the first to remind you Coach that you WON with Coach Sabans recruits, not yours.

You will not remain at the top of the ladder forever, after all this is the Southeastern Conference.

And lastly as Coach Bryant used to say; “Win without bragging and lose without excuse.”

GEORGIA: If the Dawgs have anymore arrests they won’t be able to field a two man row boat team.
Stop acting like Florida State and Tennessee, you all are Georgia for God’s Sake.

PENN STATE: Some Idiot Alumni of Penn State is banging the drum that “Jo Pa has lost control of the Nittany Lion football team” and should be fired.

Are you serious? Compared to what team, Yale? They don’t even have a marching band.

Jo Pa is a GIANT of the Game. Period. He should be allowed to retire when he damn well wants too.

Enough said.

EDITORS NOTE: It’s comments like this that confirms my dislike for yankees.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: So whatever happened to the NCAA and PAC 10 Investigation into the Trojans and Reggie Bush?

Go ahead ESPN, ignore it if you want and talk about how the “Mexican-American community have embraced Mark Sanchez as a Hero” and any number of other stupid articles about U$C.

We are still waiting.

Email Questions and Answers

Q: Hello! Welcome to Candyland! (I sometimes like starting my emails out like that!)
I am new to your column and have a question for you that I hope you can help me with.
I have a pet chinchilla named Skippy that I LOVE! I want to dress him up for college football games, but can’t find any place that has uniforms or college game day clothes to fit him, can you help?
Thanks?
Stuart - Irvine, California
A: You are a Southern California Trojan fan, aren’t you Stu?

Q: Mike we are expecting a BIG year for the Florida State Seminoles!
I have a question that I am sure you can help me out with!
Does Coach Bobby wear anything “lucky” to give him that extra confidence during a game?
Chuck - Fort Meyers, Florida
A: Depends

Q: Mike, I come from a family of hardworking oil drillers. My grandfather, Dad and four brothers are all oil drillers. The decision to follow my dream of becoming a puppeteer and a background dancer for children’s shows has resulted in me being ostracized by 92% of my family.
Let’s just say that I hear such phrases as “Worked on any new Fairy Dances lately Tim?” and “Hey Tim, why don’t you give us a private show with your lamb puppet?”

If this weren’t bad enough, I have to decided to come “out of the closet” and tell my family the news.

I am a Georgia Tech Yellow Jacket Fan.

Do you have any advice that could help me?
Tim - Lagrange, Georgia
A: You are on your own Tiny Dancer.

Q: Greetings! While watching a rerun of “Charles in Charge” starring Scott Baio an idea popped into my head! I don’t get out of the house much but love to experiment and mix chemicals in my basement. Using a combination on melted deodorant, cheap cologne and some old hair gel, I wish to create a new cologne for me entitled BAIO! I believe those elements would re-create the vibrant smell of the real life Chachi!

So my question is this, if I were to create a unique cologne for the Greatest Coach in Tennessee History what would I need? I am going to call it PHAT Phil (You know as in “Pretty Hot and Tempting”)
What do you think?
Dale - Dunlap, Tennessee
A: I would go with the above ingredients and add a Krispy Kreme Bear Claw and Jelly donut, a scoop or two of Lard and a cup of Bull Crap and consider re-naming the cologne BFL; you know, as in Big Fat Liar.

Lastly Dale, Just say “No to Drugs.”

Only 27 Days until Kickoff…..

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

I have sad news to report this morning from Paris Texas.

John Mark Stallings the son of former Alabama Coach Gene Stallings has passed away in Paris Texas.

Johnny was diagnosed with Down’s Syndrome at birth and experienced declining health the past few years. He was 46 years old.

Johnny was a fixture at the side of his father when he Coached at the Capstone.
He was a guide at the Bear Bryant Museum, an equipment manager for the football team and a fan favorite

John Mark is also partially responsible for the extremely positive, long-standing relationship between the University of Alabama and the Rise School of Tuscaloosa.

UA Athletics Director Mal Moore extended his deepest sympathies and then had this to say.

“For someone who never played or coached a game,” Moore said, “I think John Mark may have touched more Alabama fans than any other person ever did. I would like to thank the Stallings family for sharing their love for John Mark with all of us.”

Our thoughts and prayers go out to the Stallings Family during this time.

I wish I could say more, but I just can’t.

 

Your College Football Update will be later today.

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen

This weekend you will have a College Football Update!

We have alot to discuss with the close of SEC Media Days; Fat Phil “Getting Served” and news from Florida State that Coach Bobby found the restroom all by himself.
Hard to believe, but true.

Please stay tuned and thank you all for your patience.

Only 30 days until Kickoff…..

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

Your updates on the upcoming 2008 College Football Season will return in another week, as I am getting ready to depart for another adventure overseas.

I will do my best to keep you all informed and entertained from across the pond.

God Bless you all.

RTR
MEB