Hey Yawl, it’s me again James “Hootie” Snitch, and as you all should no by now unless you’ve been a living under a damn rock, I am the Number Damn One Tennessee Vol Fan on the Freaking Planet! GO VOLS! What’s his name let’s me right in here once a week, so thing will be fair and balanced.

Before we get into this weeks emails, I guess yawl want me to tell you why I tried to do that laser eye surgery on my cousin Ronnie with one of them laser pointers.

Well, if you ain’t never seen my cousin Ronnie, let me tell you, that boy has got a head like a catfish. His eyes are on the side of his head and they just kind of move around all by themselves, if you know what I mean. Hell, he even has two little whiskers that hang from his lip like a catfish.

So, I figured why not get me one of them laser pointers and hook ole Ronnie up. Couldn’t hurt his looks none.

Anyway, it didn’t work out so well, as you all have heard by now.
But at least it didn’t start no fire like the time we tried to cure momma’s cataracts by sticking her head in the microwave.

I know you wanting some answers to your questions so let’s get to my mail or as I like to call this part “Keep’n it Real with Hootie Snitch” (Thought that up myself, catchy ain’t it?)

Q: Hootie, did you do anything special to celebrate Cinco de Mayo? Just wondering!
Maria - El Paso, Texas
A: What kind of question is that? Why would I celebrate something that means “Pass the Mayo”? Besides we are gettin all geared up for the Big Celebration; Johnny Majors Birthday is the 21st of May!

Q: Sorry to hear about your “accident” Hootie. Did you do anything “interesting” during your recuperation?
Stan - Athens, Georgia
A: Thanks, yeah I took myself a trip, but boy was I ever disappointed.
I heard about this thing in Arkansas called the “Toad Suck” festival, so I headed off down there last weekend, thinking; get myself a t-shirt, suck on a toad or two to catch a buzz, then weave my way back to Casa Da Hootie in Baneberry Tennessee. Wrong.

They didn’t have no Toad Sucking or nothing; it’s a family thing, which kind of ruled out what I had planned. I ain’t kidding neither, see for yourself, their site is right here.
http://www.toadsuck.org/

Q: I have a question for you that I hope you can answer. Tennessee Quarterback Jonathan Crompton recently completed spring training but required extensive elbow surgery following the Orange and White Game. Will he be ready in time to start the season?
Stephen - Cookeville, Tennessee
A: You come to the right place; Nobody knows more about the Vols than Me! I have on good authority that the surgery you was talking about didn’t have nothing to do with his elbow.
I will let you all in on a little secret, you ready? Coach Phil had Jonathan’s throwing arm extended another 12 inches or so and they put an extra thumb on his hand too!
I hear that boy will be able to throw the football a damn MILE!

Q: Dear Sir, some of my classmates and I are planning to make the “road trip” from Northern Illinois University next year on October 4th to watch the Huskies play the Volunteers of Tennessee.
We want to do some cool things while we are in Knoxville and have looked up a number of things online and are wondering if you could answer a question for us.
What happens at a “Tennessee Ho Down”?
Jake - DeKalb, Illinois
A: Some smartass calls 911, the police show up and some innocent man goes to jail.

Q: This question is for Hootie. Will you please explain for me and the other readers how you are related to Coach Phil Fulmer at the University of Tennessee? Thanks.
Gary - Nashville, Tennessee
A: Be glad to Gary. My Daddy’s last name is Snitch, as you probably figured out on your own. My Momma’s last name before she married my daddy was Ratt; like the GREATEST Rock Band that ever lived! Ratt Rocks! So anyway, everybody says that Coach Fulmer is a “Snitch and a Ratt”, at least thats what we heard. So, we is proud that he is our kin, cause every Snitch and Ratt I know are Tennessee Vol fans, thru and thru! Hell Yeah!

Q: You sir sound like an illiterate Neanderthal with your insistant ramblings. I don’t know how you got past the third grade?
Brenda - Gainesville, Florida
A: You damn Gator fans don’t know nothing! You are way off on both counts! For your information I am a Baptist and I got myself a degree in educashon from the University of Tennessee.

Some of yawl have asked who I am supporting in the big political race this year.
I believe the choice is simple.
I am throwing all my support behind the only person qualified for the job.
There is only one choice for Sheriff of Knox County for me!

Hootie - Out!

Ladies and Gentlemen -

It’s time for our last installment of the College Football Spring Game Tour.

I know, I am kind of sad about it too, but we only have 112 days until Kick-off…and we will continue to bring you the latest breaking news from the practice fields and coach’s clinics right up until the start of the 2008 season.

Before we roll into the final leg of our College Football Spring Tour let’s discuss some College Football news from San Diego, Baton Rouge and the upcoming 2008 Bowl Season.

It seems the judge in the civil suit against Reggie Bush by his one time sports agent and benefactor Lloyd Lake will be open to the public and not held behind closed doors as Reggie and his lawyers requested.

My favorite statement in the article by the San Diego writer: “Reggie Bush has not cooperated with the NCAA Investigation.” NOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooo Really?

Whatever happened to the NCAA branding someone a “Hostile Witness” for failing to cooperate and finding the individual and university guilty on all counts because of their “failure” to cooperate?
See for yourself:
http://www.signonsandiego.com/sports/nfl/20080503-9999-1s3bush.html

Great News College Bowl Lovers! Two “New” Bowl games have been added to the schedule for 2008!

We have the St. Petersburg Bowl, that’s in Florida, not Russia and the other new Bowl game is in Washington D.C. Which I presume is going to be called the “Bulletproof Vest and Ballistic Shield Bowl”, because that’s what you are going to need if you travel to downtown D.C. at night.

LSU: (UPDATE) Let’s not mince words here or use some cute sports metaphor to describe the recent dismissal by Coach Les Miles.

Tiger quarterback Ryan Perrilloux has been dismissed from the LSU Tiger football team for being a self-serving, “It’s all about me” jackass, that clearly can’t take any direction from his coaches.
I hope that cleared it up for everybody.

AUBURN: Tommy’s Tigers will once again field what could possibly be the class of the SEC West with new offensive and defensive coordinators and an outstanding crop of young players reporting to the plains.
Also, from the “Little Known Fact” Department, Coach Tommy Tuberville’s ears are so big that he can actually hear your thoughts.

MIAMI (FLA): The Hurricanes just don’t seem like the Miami of old without all the felony arrests, you know kind of like the Tennessee and Florida State of today. But they are none the less building a team that will contend for the Atlantic Coast Conference Title, in a couple of years.

WASHINGTON: The Huskies will be much better than they were a year ago, but they are still a long way from the Glory Years of yesterday. And as a side note; I have nothing against the current coaching staff or athletic administration, but I still miss Coach James.

BEST QUOTE OF YESTERDAY: Coach Woody Hayes, The Ohio State University
” There is nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.”

ILLINOIS:Coach Zook and The Fighting Pumpkins will make a serious run at the Big Ten, I mean Eleven Title this year, but will come up short to the mighty Buckeyes of Ohio State. Believe it.

ARKANSAS: Coach Bobby Petrino will have to wait another year before prized transfer Ryan Mallet from Michigan will be able to suit up for the Razorbacks, as the NCAA ruled the young man ineligible for the 2008 football season.

A visibly disappointed Coach Petrino told the local Fayetteville media that the quarterback position will now be determined through an intense round of “Rock-Paper-Scissors.”

EDITORS NOTE: The funny thing is Coach Petrino actually thought the NCAA was going to be “fair” concerning this situation. That’s almost as funny as when the NCAA uses the word “academics.”

TEXAS TECH: The Red Raiders (Get Those Guns UP!) are primed and ready for a breakout year and challenge everyone for the Big 12 title. This year they will throw more passes than Bill Clinton at a Church picnic.
Count on it.

KENTUCKY: Trying to replace Andre Woodson at quarterback will be harder than trying to find a Wildcat fan that actually cares about football season. Impossible? No. Difficult? Yes.

BOSTON COLLEGE: Seriously, Do you care? I didn’t think so, me either.

RUTGERS: (See above)

PITTSBURGH: (See Rutgers and Boston College)

WISCONSIN: The fact that the Badgers always have a competitive program capable of beating anybody on any given Saturday just goes to show you that cheese isn’t as bad for you as some scientist would have you believe.

MISSOURI: The Tigers return quarterback Chase Daniels and that should be good enough with the surrounding cast to get them to a top tier bowl game, but a ten or eleven win season?
Never.

CALIFORNIA: (Please see either Boston College, Rutgers or Pittsburgh)

NOTRE DAME: This season you can expect to see “All” of the Fighting Irish’s games on NBC, which of course stands for No Body Cares.

COACH’S QUOTE OF THE WEEK: Coach Sylvester Croom, Mississippi State University
“I have got a fever and the only prescription……is MORE Cowbell.”

MINNESOTA: I don’t have anything to report on the team this spring, but I did find out an interesting fact. The “Golden Gopher” mascot of Minnesota is “not” a groundhog as I had orginally thought.

In actuality, it is someone from your office or work place that is always willing to go get lunch for the staff and pay for it themselves.

I hope this cleared up any misunderstanding.

SOUTH CAROLINA: Can Coach Steve have a quarterback that doesn’t get arrested or suspended?
Come on, there just isn’t that much to do in Columbia!

Expect this kind of drain on the Ole Ball Coach to have him go into retirement within two seasons. Remember you heard it here first.

TEXAS A&M: Coach Mike Sherman better hit the ground running at Kyle Field. If he thinks the Green Bay fans were disagreeable after a loss, he hasn’t seen anything yet.  Welcome to Aggieland.

Hootie Snitch will wrap up the week tomorrow with a round of emails.

Have a great weekend and if you are in need of a getaway there is no better place on the planet to escape than with my friends at the Stony Brook Chalets in Gatlinburg.

Check them out and tell them Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator sent you.
http://www.stonybrooklodging.com/

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering; “Yes”, that was a shameless plug.

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

I will be conducting the “Tuesday Q/A” this week, because Hootie Snitch is still recuperating from his failed attempt at performing laser eye surgery on his cousin Ronnie with a laser pointer.

For those of you that are concerned or are just joining us; This is all Hootie Snitch, the self professed “Greatest Tennessee Vol fan on the planet!”, would share concerning this particular incident.

While attempting to place Ronnie’s head in a bench vice to prevent him from “flinching” during the “surgery”, Ronnie inadvertently kicked Hootie square in the jimmy, thus rendering him incapable of carrying out the laser eye procedure on Ronnie.

Ronnie was attended by a local taxidermist that “sewed his ear back on” after Ronnie forced his head out of the vice losing his ear in the process and Hootie is resting comfortably at home icing his personal business.

Hootie also wanted me to share a “safety tip” with “all his fans”: “If you have to put somebody’s head in a bench vice, get them liquored up first.”
EDITORS NOTE: Wise words.

Any further medical discussions concerning this incident or other medical related questions will take place on my new website; “Turn your Head and Cough with Doctor Mike.”

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s get to this week’s Questions and Answers, Shall we?

Q: Mike the Husker Nation is really excited this year with Coach Bo at the helm! But I have to ask you, what will it take to win this year and get the Huskers back in the hunt for the Big 12 Championship?
Tommy - Lincoln, Nebraska
A: In the words of Coach Paul “Bear” Bryant: “The same things win that always won; we just have have a different bunch of excuses if we lose.” Enough said.

Q: Mike, my company recently relocated my family and I to Baton Rouge Louisiana from Illinois and I CANNOT believe the LSU Tiger fans here! My neighbors on the street were we live are STILL celebrating the National Championship! How much longer can I expect the “Party” to last?
Anthony - (Formerly of Clinton, Illinois) Baton Rouge, Louisiana
A: If I were you Anthony I would strap myself and my family in for the long haul. I know some Tiger fans that celebrated the 1958 LSU “Chinese Bandits” Championship right up until the 2001 Sugar Bowl.
Welcome to the Southeastern Conference.

Q: Dear Sir, my family and I drove through Tennessee and Kentucky recently to attend a college baseball game in Athens Georgia and I couldn’t help but notice that none of the drivers in those respective areas had their headlights on while they were driving. Not even in the dark!
Is there a reason for this?
James - Dayton, Ohio
A: Yes James there is a reason. The drivers in the respective areas you mentioned are afraid that having their headlights on will increase their electric bills.

Q: Mike, I heard that during the Tennessee Orange and White Game Coach Fulmer’s wife “went off” on some of the local sports writers for publishing negative articles on the Coach’s continuing lack of discipline with the Volunteer players. Is that true and who is “really” in charge of that family?
Steve - Spartanburg, South Carolina
A: I have not heard about that incident Steve, but I can assure you that Coach Fulmer wears the bra in that family.

Q: Listen Mister, Coach Rod’s wife is NOT a hooker!�
I don’t know what you are smoking but she is NOT a Hooker! Got it?
Anonymous -Ann Arbor, Michigan
A: Well, “anonymous” if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck……

Q: Mike, would you ever consider writing an article on another sport, say like the NBA?
Thanks!
Johnny -Madison, Wisconsin
A: Why in the Holy name of Vince Dooley would I write about something as stupid as the NBA?
A sport that lasts 12 and a half months out of the year and “everybody” makes the playoffs?
Let me sum this up for you Johnny, if the folks that run the NBA were in charge of WWII, we would still be fighting the Germans and the Japanese.

Q: Mike, I have a question for you. How many Duke students does it take to change a light bulb?
Paul - Lexington, Kentucky
A: At Duke it takes Eight.
One to screw it in and seven to discuss how much brighter it shines during basketball season.
EDITORS NOTE: I can do this all day.

Q: YOU a damn Lie! That damn picture of Coach Fulmer you put in that thing is wrong and you know it! We know for a fact that Coach Phil is the third largest mammal to walk upright! We know cause we seen it!
That guy from Kansas ain’t nothing but Coach Phil’s mini-me!
Sam and Delores - Peyton Manning Trailer Park, Dunlap, Tennessee
A: I knew that the OBknoxville Zoo named the “new” baby hippopotamus after Coach Fulmer (Which is now called the “Phat-Phil-Opotamus” in case anyone was wondering), But I had no idea that he is now large enough to have his own zip code.
My Mistake.

Thursday we finish up our final installment of the College Football Spring Tour and Friday your favorite Tennessee Vol Fan, Mr Hootie Snitch will wrap up the week.

Only 114 days until Kick-off…..

RTR
MEB

Like many of you I have been very concerned over the rash of earthquakes taking place throughout my beloved South, Midwest and most recently in California.
Although I am neither a geologist nor an earthquake specialist I embarked on a personnel mission to determine the cause of this potentially deadly trend, which could threaten not only our very way of life but the entire 2008 College Football Season.

I am proud to report that I have isolated the source of the seismic activity!

Below is an untouched photograph of Coach Mark Mangino of the University of Kansas celebrating another year of beating anorexia by body slamming Phil Fulmer.

Ladies and Gentlemen -

It’s time for our next to last installment of our College Football Spring Game Tour.
We have quite a few college football teams to examine along with the latest news from the practice fields, so let’s not waste any more time here.

Only 121 Days until Kick-off…..
Enjoy

LSU: The Reining National Champion Bayou Bengals may have lost some key players due to graduation and the NFL draft, but make no mistake. If Coach Miles can keep his star Quarterback in school and out of jail they will be contending once again for the Southeastern Conference title. Believe it.

TEXAS: New coordinators abound in Austin and quarterback Colt McCoy is healthy, need I say more?
The Longhorns are poised to take the Big 12 for the first time since Saint Vince brought home the National Championship.

OREGON: I don’t care and neither should you.

BEST PLAYER QUOTE OF THE WEEK: Florida State wide receiver Preston Parker and last years MVP for the Seminoles on his recent arrest on weapon and drug charges.
“At least like, I wasn’t tasered, like you know some players.”
EDITORS NOTE: At least you have that going for you.

VIRGINIA TECH: Enter the Sandman….The Hokies are loaded and if they can squeak by Clemson, they will have a shot at the Atlantic Coast Conference Championship.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Coach Carroll decided to make the Trojan spring game “Fun and Interactive” for the players and fans this year by having the players “Bring Your Sports Agent to the Game” which was sponsored by the Lexis Dealers of Southern California and the Reggie Bush Foundation.
SHHHHhhhhhhhhhh don’t tell the NCAA.

PENN STATE: After Jo Pa earned some “street credit” with his young players after a traffic altercation last year, he has dedicated himself to forming a tougher defense than previous seasons.
No word yet on when Jo Pa will release his Rap album.

UCLA: (See Oregon)

OHIO STATE: The Buckeyes were not suppose to even contend for the Big Ten, I mean Eleven title last year much less make a run at the National Championship. This year all the pieces of the elusive puzzle are in place with key players returning at almost every position and remember you heard it hear first……The Buckeyes will make a run at the title. Believe it.

GEORGIA: The Showdown with the Mighty Gators at the “Worlds Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party” may very well decide who will contend for the Southeastern Conference Championship…and beyond.
EDITORS NOTE: You didn’t really think I was going to leave UGA without a…..
HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS!

NEBRASKA: 80,000 Husker Fans “paid” to see the spring game in Lincoln.
The Black Shirts may not be all the way back…but they are getting there in a hurry.

LOUISVILLE: Coach Steve Kragthorpe (Whose last name will be pronounced “Fired” if he doesn’t do a better job coaching than he did last season) spent the majority of the spring football practice teaching the Cardinals how to spell “D-E-F-E-N-S-E”.

COACH’S QUOTE OF THE WEEK: Coach Paul Johnson, Georgia Tech
“What the Hell? I thought I was coaching THE University of Georgia……..O’ God is this ever going to suck.”
EDITORS NOTE: Yes it will coach, it most certainly will.

WEST VIRGINIA: The Mountaineer fans are stocking up on furniture and lighter fluid this off-season in anticipation of another run at the Big East title under a real West Virginia coach.
EDITORS NOTE: I still don’t understand the concept of burning your own furniture after your team wins a game. I support it, but I don’t understand it.

LASALLE & MARIST: I understand both ladies had their hair done and hope to lose some weight this spring and summer and have a better outlook on life for the 2008 season.
Which is nice.

IVY LEAGUE: (Please see UCLA and Oregon)

Later this week Hootie Snitch will return to answer your email questions before we wrap up the College Football Spring Game Tour.

RTR
MEB

I am often asked who is the most exciting college football player in the country.

This brief tribute is dedicated to a young man who would have been preparing for his senior season in 2008.
Unfortunately due to an injury early in his college career, he will never play football again.

I don’t care what team you are a fan of, you have to admire the grit and determination and be amazed by….
“The Catch”.
So, to answer the question: This young man is the most electrifying player I have seen in a very long time.

More News from Spring Football Next Week…..This should keep you motivated until then.

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

We will break from the usual “Tuesday Email Q&A” with Hootie Snitch to update the Spring Football Games from around the Country.
For those of you that are interested….
Hootie and his cousin Ronnie have both been released from the hospital following Hootie’s failed attempt to perform laser eye surgery on his cousin.
I am sure he will have more to say about this incident later in the week.

We all know the Spring Football Games have become a showcase for the upcoming season, but they have also developed into a fans dream weekend with a number of events, concerts and programs to excite and motivate any college football fan.

The next two weeks I will highlight a number of College Football Spring games and the events surrounding them, including news from the practice fields to keep you all informed and motivated for the upcoming 2008 College Football Season.
Enjoy!

OLE MISS & DUKE: Excitement surrounds both football programs with new coaches on campus, with Houston “I’m a” Nutt at Ole Miss and David “I know the Manning’s” Cutcliffe with the Blue Devils.
The excitement transcended to the spring game as both teams doubled attendance from last years event. Duke had six people attend while Ole Miss had nearly a dozen in the stands.
Attempts to determine if some of the spectators had wandered into the stadiums by accident are as yet to be determined.

BEST QUOTE FROM A SPRING GAME: Cameron Newton, University of Florida.
“I am not competing to be the back-up quarterback. I am competing to be the starting quarterback.”
EDITORS NOTE: Two words for you son: Tim Tebow, Now go take a seat on the bench.

BEST COACH’S QUOTE: Coach Nick Saban, University of Alabama
“I don’t need any show dogs, I need hunting dogs out on the field.”
EDITORS NOTE: Enough said Coach.

TENNESSEE: The annual Orange and White game had a number of “interesting” events surrounding the game itself. My favorite would have to be the “Guess What Coach Fulmer Just Ate” Contest sponsored by Krispy Kreme and Big Orange Bail Bonds.

The winner was Hal “Scooter” Schofield from Winchester Tennessee with his winning guess of a 1979 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme.
EDITORS NOTE: No word yet on the condition of the illegal aliens living inside the vehicle at the time of consumption.

MICHIGAN: Athough the annual “Maze and Blue” game sounds like a time when the Native Americans saved some frozen pilgrims; the arrival of a new coach to campus in Ann Arbor has brought an unusual carnival like atmosphere to the spring game.

Coach Rodriguez or “Coach Rod” as he prefers to be called has instituted a number of what he calls “fun family events” for the Wolverine fans at this years spring game.
In honor of his wife, Coach Rod has the “Pimp your Wife” booth, which will allow Mrs. Rodriguez to give hooker fashion tips to the female attendees.
Prehaps the most popular event will be the “So Sue Me” Q&A with fans when Coach Rod will claim amnesia and other excuses on why he can’t pay West Virginia the 10 Million Dollars he owes them, this event will be sponsored by the Trial Lawyers Association of America.

And on a football note: If you think the Wolverines were bad last year?
You ain’t seen nothing yet…..

EDITORS NOTE: Why would you want to be called “Coach Rod”?
Sounds like the name of a gay porn star.

SOUTHERN MISS: I am still mad as hell that the Southern Miss administration ran Coach Jeff Bowers out of town, so I have nothing to report.

ALABAMA: 78, 200 in attendance for the Spring Game. Enough Said…..

OKLAHOMA & OKLAHOMA STATE: Nothing new to report, OU is BIG, Strong and Fast and will be better than they were last year and Coach Gundy is still a man.

CLEMSON: The Tigers are loaded with a returning quarterback that could start for anybody in the country except Florida. The game with Alabama to start the season will be something to see.

FLORIDA STATE: Great News from Tallahassee!
Last week it was reported that Coach Bobby found the practice field “all by his self”!
Unfortunately Coach Bobby was wearing “Pink Panther” slippers and matching robe while holding a bag of oranges and shouting “Where is MY Monkey!”
Coach Fisher took over practice while Bobby was taken away to “rest”.

More Spring Games to report later in the week.

RTR
MEB

Since it appears the “investigators” for the NCAA and the PAC 10 couldn’t find an elephant if they were tied to its tail, I am here to offer my help with the investigation of Reggie Bush and Southern California.
Submitted for your approval; “Some” of the evidence for the Reggie Bush investigation.
No need to thank me, I’m just glad to do my part.
Enjoy.

RTR
MEB

It’s me again Hootie Snitch!
I am sorry I didn’t get back with yawl after last Tuesday….
But Ole Hootie done had himself a rough week.
First, them folks from McDonalds changed their minds and wanted me to pitch my idea to them on Friday. You ain’t going to believe it….
But they said my McPossum Sandwich only had “regional appeal”!
When I asked them “what region?”, they just giggled and said never mind.

I even used my “ace in the hole”: The McMuskrat Sandwich (Come up with that one myself too!)
One of them McDonald’s guys told me that when I said it, it sounded like I had a stutter, so they said “No” to that idea too.
Believe that?
I couldn’t either, so I told them that I thought they were full of McCrap and they could kiss my McButt and I left.

Then come to find out that damn gopher up north lied about the weather, cause it got cold as hell this weekend.
You can’t tell the weather by watching some damn gopher!
Shows you what gophers and yankees know!
But I will tell you a secret, if you ask a squirrel anything after you eat some wild mushrooms, they will tell you a thing or two.

Let’s get to them Questions this week!
What’s his name will be back later in the week with reports from Spring Football games from around the country.

Q: Hootie, just where exactly is Casa Da Hootie?
Earlene - Baneberry, Tennessee
A: Earlene you know damn well where it is! I don’t want to be on “another” episode of “Cops” so you need to honor that restraining order and stay the hell away from me! Plus, I am still mad as hell you broke my Dale Earnhardt commemorative clock!

Q: Mike, what do you think Coach Rodriguez will be able to do with Michigan this year?
Troy - Ann Arbor, Michigan
A: Ain’t he that Coach whose wife looks like a hooker?

Q: Mike, with Chase Daniels coming back for another year, do you think the Missouri Tigers have a shot at the Big 12 Championship?
Tommy - Jefferson City, Missouri
A: If you had a been a reading the column Tommy you would have a known that What’s his Name is still off a fishing in Hiatus Louisiana. But to answer your question, I believe your Cinderella done lost her shoes and she ain’t going to no big dance this year.

Q: Mike, will the Mountaineers of West Virginia build upon last years Bowl victory  and contend for the Big East Title? What do you think?
Terry - Morgantown, West Virginia
A: Didn’t yawl use to have that Coach whose wife looks like a hooker?

Q: Mr. Hootie, you are doing an admirable job in place of our “Favorite College Football Prognosticator”, will you continue to make a weekly post once he returns?
George - Fort Walton Beach. Florida
A: I wasn’t in the navy, but thanks for thinking I was an admiral! I will be back next week after some surgery.
I am going to give my cousin Ronnie that laser eye surgey later this week with one of them laser pointers.
I’ll let you all know how it turns out.

More Later!

Hootie - Out!

Hey Everybody!
It’s your good buddy Hootie Snitch!
Hope you ladies enjoyed last week’s update about myself!
Kind of got you going, didn’t it?
This week we are going to answer a few of your emails.

Q: Hootie, I really enjoyed your update last week!
Is there anyway we can see a picture of you? Are you on “My Space”?
Delores - Oneida, Tennessee
A: I ain’t never been in space, but I have been struck by lightning twice.

Q: Mike, I am representative of a rather large contingent of your Tennessee fans that enjoy your humor and unlike “Mr. Hootie”, can spell and use proper grammar. So with that being said, let me ask you a football question. With nearly a dozen arrests or off the field incidents taking place the past four months at Tennessee, when do you think Coach Fulmer will get a handle on the discipline issue?
Thomas - Nashville, Tennessee
A: Well, Mr. “Spell Good” if you would have been a reading right, you would know that “what’s his name” is off fishing in Hiatus Louisiana and I am answering the questions this week.
So, to answer your question there ain’t no problem with discipline at Tennessee!
Coach Fulmer and discipline go together like pizza and peanut butter.

Q: Hootie, other than filling in for “Our Favorite College Football Pronosticator” are you involved in anything else that we should be aware of?
Donna - Holly Springs, Mississippi
A: Donna, I am what you would call an “Idea Man”. I have come up with one hell of an idea that I will be talking with the MacDonalds folks about next week. You ready for this?
How does the McPossum Sandwich grab you?

Q: Dear sir, once again I implore you to include the Ivy League in your weekly pronostications this season. The Ivy League has one of the proudest traditions in all of collegiate athletics and might I add, the greatest history of compliance with the rules and regulations of amateur athletics set forth by the NCAA.
So, I ask you to please reconsider.
Skip - Cambridge, Massachusetts
A: I didn’t understand a damn thing you wrote.
But I do know that smart ass rich yankee kids don’t know a damn thing about football.

More Later on this week!

Hootie…Out!